Reins

With all of the drama going on with L**, drinking, depression, desperation, everyone being pissed at him, his soulmate having kicked his ass out, his stuff thrown into a storage place, no where to stay, no real job, still in the diversion program, drug testing etc etc.

He needs to do some real soul searching. For him to be feeling sorry for himself is understandable, but don't drag it out. Recognize it and deal.

I recognize that he needs rescuing again. I can't do this, so I have notified his sister and let her know what's been happening to the best of my knowledge. I am transferring 'the reins' to her / his family to watch over him now. I have been covering for him probably being the worst enabler for years. But also rescued him repeatedly. His anxiety attacks were pretty trippy alone.

It would be nice to think he would actually figure his shit out for himself.

Everyone must remember how he has always been good at manipulation and the telling of half truths twisting the real truth. To everyone, beware.

Bud

Today was/is my dad's birthday when he was alive. To me it's still his 'day', and I always find myself thinking about him. [ Pictures to be added later, I'm not at home now.]

When Bud was a young man growing up in Tennessee, with his mom and brothers Emerald and Selwyn, and sister Georgia, his father (my grandfather) left his mother(my grandmother). So Bud (Jamie) being the oldest son (Aunt Georgia was the oldest),found himself supporting his mother and family growing up faster than most I guess.

Bud used to work in a lumber mill working very hard, working in very labor intensive type jobs. I remember seeing pictures of him as a young guy, pretty damn good looking if you ask me. It's as though he 'worked out' all of the time in his work ;)

Buddy was a great story teller. I grew up with such wonderful stories of the crank, a big gigantic bird that preyed on little children and was always associated with kids having to walk through a dense forest and be confronted with this crank in different type situations. Or the pink and blue pills that made you invisible and you could carry big watermelons out of stores without detection. I can still picture the watermelons floating in thin air as he had described them as being seen by the folks around us. His imagination was incredible, and he was very witty and quick thinking. I was surprised a bit learning how some friends were only read to, I was so very lucky to have my dad make up stuff from his incredible imagination and it went in so many directions without boundary's.

While waiting for mom to do her shopping in the grocery store, we'd wait for her out in the car, and he would test us with our vision. He was like a hawk. He would ask us to read something very far away or test us in looking at something very far away, he could see it very clearly, his vision was tremendous.

My dad however was very superstitious. I wonder if this is something ingrained in you if you ever live in the south. When we would be stopped at a railroad crossing, he wouldn't let me count the railroad cars, telling me it was bad luck, and he was serious.

He also drove taxi in SF for 25 years, he chain smoked but quit when the surgeon general came out with the dangers of smoking. He quit cold turkey. As a kid in school, all of the Father's Day presents that the teacher would help us make were ash trays and stuff and I couldn't make those. While driving taxi, he would take me on all of the fun steep streets of San Fran and it was as though he was taking me on an amusement ride. I still remember being thrown out of my seat giggling with laughter. No seat belts back then. When I was learning how to drive, he made me have to pass 'his' test before I could drive. At the time, I hated it, but now am very happy, as I basically learned defensive driving to the max. Knowing how to pull trailers etc.

I also remember hanging out with my dad while he'd take the car in to be serviced. I would stay in the car while it was pumped up into the air so they could work under neath it. Can't do that anymore, but what fun times. I would peer out over the whole garage seeing stuff from that perspective that only I could see. In alot of ways it was like being in my tree house.

He was excellent at shooting and bow and arrow. He was expert in shooting, and he would compete with a hunting bow with others that used precision bows and he would win many competitions. I was there and he would hoist me up on his shoulders. Bud made me very proud. Bud taught me all the techniques of proper stance et all with the bow, and I got to be pretty good too. Bud also showed me how to fill bullet shells, and we would spend hours doing this. He had quite the collection of guns and rifles, but in later life he started whittling on them which was sad to see. While he was in his right mind, he did seem to lose some of his sharpness in later years. My dad was a very strong, big guy that people listened to. He was also a very honest man with integrity. A handshake of agreement actually meant something back in those days. Taking someone at their word. How I wish he were still alive to know his grandchildren, he'd be so very proud of them as well, and they him.

We lived in San Francisco for many years, where my dad worked in security of some sort patrolling the Golden Gate Bridge. I do think this was when he was in the Merchant Marines.

Later we lived on a ranch and we had horses and cattle. I loved it during my teen years and grew up loving animals. I was given the choice of helping inside with dishes and other inside chores, or to help Bud work outside fixing fence and feeding the horses, goats, cattle and chickens. It was a real working ranch in many ways. Well that was an easy choice for me. I would spend hours outside with my dad and the animals. A very special time in my life.

Buddy was in the service, I was a little girl when many of the stories related to this time were told, so don't remember alot of his war stories. I do enjoy looking through his scrap books of pictures of his medals and with him in uniform, with his buddies. He was in Korea, the Philippines and was stationed up in Alaska for a time. He was in the Navy and later in the Merchant Marines, do they exist anymore? When he was stationed in Alaska, he would cut records that he made while playing in bars passing the hat, telling his mom how he and the boys were having a great time and not to worry, and sing and play a song. I have these records and want to copy them. He wanted to join the service again after leaving the service but they said he was too old. My dad was always a strong determined person, hard on the outside, by that I mean he scared the shit out of alot of folks, me included in some ways. But he had a soft heart and was very gentle and loving to his family. I look at his journals, poems and photo albums of him with his friends and try to imagine what it was like for him.

My dad was very talented with playing the mandolin, and a few other instruments. What was sad is that we only have a few recordings of his playing during his prime, (I need to get them copied), but most of his recordings, are when he lost his hearing, and his playing really deteriorated. Bud was also very artistic. He would draw cartoon characters on duffel bags for guys in the service and did cartooning for fun. I remember how he drew a big Indian with a tomahawk in the bedroom full size coming right at you. He also loved puzzles, especially cryptoquotes, a deciphering game kind of.
I miss him dearly, but often think of him. Most of my memories with him was when I was a little girl, as he started slowing down when I was an adult. How I wish I could have enjoyed a beer with him and talked of real substance type topics.

While I have many good memories, there were also some bad ones too. I have forgiven him for those times, and have moved on. All families have this, the good with the bad, get over it, and I have.

I don't remember him ever being afraid of anything except....Spiders. Ha ha. When he was a very old guy already retired for several years, he whipped off the covers while in bed having felt/finding a spider had crawled across his legs and freaked out. For a long time after he spent telling us how big the spider was. The spider kept getting bigger with every retelling, ;) Other than that nothing scared him.

Here's to you Buddy.....I love you

Dixie Chicks

While I don't agree with much of their politics, I heard their recent song and it kind of fits my perspective. I know what their intention was but using my perspective and putting the right emphasis from who in place here it fits;

'Can't Make Nice Now'.



"Forgive sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go around and around and around

It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can't you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it".

The Dixie Chicks.

In the back of one of their videos was the statement;

'Talking without thinking is like shooting without aiming'.

How true that is.

I Miss You

Happy Birthday Buddie! I love you. I keep your memory alive in my heart.

There Is No "WE"

There is no "we'.

"We" don't need to talk, I've learned all I need to know. I am done. As I've said earlier, I don't need your drama. Interesting your timing, that only after your soulmate kicks your ass out do you want to talk.

You do however need to mail me the taxes, sign the quit deed correctly, sign the title correction paper, and get the pile of motorcycle parts and spotlights off the property. You have been in contempt of court for a very long time.

Besides coming to the property to remove these items, I don't want your sorry ass anywhere around me. Stay away from me. For all of the years I stood by you, took care of you, loved you, shared with you. For you to fuck around on me all throughout our marriage, lie to me constantly while looking me right in the face, you are not the person I thought you were. I don't know who you are, except that I know you aren't the caliber person that I would want to have anything to do with.

How dare you do this routine with me. I can see right through you. Leave me alone, and stay far away from me.

Hell, move back to New York, there is nothing holding you back here except for transferring your drug rehab program.

Gold Diggers

Gold diggers are an interesting breed, and that's putting it mildly.

It's sickening how some folks seem to be oblivious to being "had". That they think or want to feel that they are actually being loved and/or cared about. To falsely be made to think that the other person actually cares for them, that the fact that they will be coming into a great deal of money has nothing to do with it. Yeah right. But instead are being fed a line of shit.
To then be taken advantage of emotionally probably, but taken advantage of financially in that it will effect my kids just kills me.
Wake up and smell the coffee. Sigh. While you may feel you are "soul mates" or so "in love", it's not a stretch to think that the other person only is sticking around because of your "money potential". Especially while knowing that she has known from the very beginning. She knew your cousin 15 years ago and that the family had money back then, don't fool yourself. Take a step back and really look at what her attraction is to you, regardless of your feelings toward her.
A pre nuptual only takes care of the money you bring into a marriage, not if you get money and wealth dropped into your lap after you're married. And that's even if you get a prenuptual. Is it possible for you to consider creating some type of will and or testament to ensure that the kids get their share, rather than seeing it disappear being taken by this gold digger? The kids and most other folks see this very clearly, it seems everyone but you.
To see how in less than a year, this person has gotten her grip around your financial future and stands to get alot of money just kills me. To think of how she ended up with such a big house and all the trimmings from her probable break up a few years back, and learn how her business is done, at least online, and now how she is suing a local business to try and get money, you are out of your mind.
I would like to think you haven't lost all of your marbles, please look at securing your children's financial future by getting something legally set up to protect them and their inheritance. You seem to have been choosing her over your own children. Really look at why your kids have been upset with the way you've been acting/thinking. Your children want to love you (I believe), but you need to snap out of this if you want to have any relationship with them. I'm out of the loop, I'm truly just looking out for the kids future.
Hey it may be a way to also see if this gold digger sticks around to just be with you. Take this challenge, I hope you have the guts to actually look into this.

Riding Shot Gun Duties

While driving out to Kansas City approximately a 12 hour drive one way, it's always better to have the cops in front of you rather than behind you.With a radar detector, and having my daughter riding shotgun with binoculars in hand on the prowl for cops what a system.Construction, accidents, and holiday traffic made for a long drive, but being with my daughter made it pleasurable. A wonderful navigator and DJ. Gas was 20 cents cheaper on the road than what it costs in Colorado, really, that was a nice surprise.
We drove out for a Bar Mitzvah, what a wonderful time seeing all of the family. There were however several accidents and sad events that occured. One cousin ended up in the hospital on antibiotics and missed the Bar Mitzvah entirely, another hurt his knee, in the same immediate family I might add, and another's father had a heart attack. My mother in law was still grieving having just lost her husband a few weeks ago. Seeing her the morning that she was to fly back was very hard. She told me of her fears of going home to an empty house. My sister in law lives very close and I thank God for her and her husband. It still will be hard getting through these next few months.
While out there, I got some good pictures, so I will be busy organizing them and sharing them with everyone getting them sent out in the mail.

To Not Feel Anything

At times I would like to think that I could be forgiving....
But some things are just unforgivable. Lies, deceit, affairs etc etc. Folks tell me that I need to forgive to get through these feelings of anger. But I've come to the realization that I'm starting to not feel anything at all towards him. He seems to have told others untrue stories of how things happened, big surprise there, and if that's his way of dealing with it, it only makes me sad that some folks actually believe his shit. In the past he has acted so horrible towards me, and now while others watch he is sooo nice, saying things like, have a nice trip, making it look like he still cares, what bullshit. And even if he truly feels that he does care, fuck him, it doesn't make up for all the crap that he shoveled my way for our whole marriage.
Karma has already got his bitch girlfriend in that she broke her foot. And again he's trying to get something out of it looking into suing the restaurant. Sigh. He'll be getting his payback for his crap all too soon. Knowing this has been more than comforting.
Seeing this lying sack of shit while back in New York he seems to have been more focused in getting "stuff", rather than concerning himself with how his mother will be in the absence of her husband. Knowing that his dad drove a lexus with all the bells and whistles, making sure that his mom knows that he doesn't have a car several times twice that I heard him say. I felt like telling her how he fell asleep at the wheel and crashed several cars and only just got back his drivers license from the diversion program. It is so phony to watch him act like he cares, it drove me nuts to watch his bullshit, but I digress. He's showing himself to be a gold digger instead of a caring son, just very sad. Hopefully he will figure it out in his lifetime, but I have some serious doubts as he can be an arrogant asshole.

Life Goes On....

I just got back from New York having attended my father in law's funeral. He was a wonderful man, and we had such a good visit while he was out here for the graduation. It's hard to believe that he's really gone. He will really be missed.
He had a massive heart attack aggitated by pneumonia from a virus that he may have caught while on the plane, we'll never know.
I'm very glad that we had his 80th birthday party last January with all the family together, and then this recent family gathering with my daughter's graduation.
His wife now alone, I hope she gets stronger and learns to manage on her own. My son told me that he felt grandma would be strong just how I was. While back in New York, seeing how supportive members from her congregation were, it's as though she has a second family that will be looking in on her taking care that she has everything that she may need.
While I'm divorcing my husband, I'm not divorcing the family, I love these folks and want to continue a relationship with them. We've been family for more than 25 years. I'm looking forward to a Bar Mitzvah next weekend in Kansas City that will be a very fun time. My daughter and I will be driving out and will have a good time being together on the road trip. My son will be flying out for the weekend, so we truly will all be together.

Can You Hear Me Now?

I just got a phone call for Mother's Day from my son. What makes this all the more special, is that it was made from a submarine! I love you too honey, thanks for thinking of me. :)

Shine Shine Shine

What a fabulous week. My daughter just had her 4 graduation ceremonies this past week, and family and friends came from out of town and locally to help her celebrate this wonderful achievement.
BOOYA!
She had her more personal graduation commencement exercises from Music, Fine Arts and Japanese, plus the graduation for all of the graduating seniors at Folsom Field.
PLUS....
Her honors thesis 'Spectral Beasties', is now showing at the Fiske Planetarium and will be on permanent display for all of this summer.
She has been shining all of her life, so it has been the greatest seeing her get the acknowledgement she so well deserves.
Way to go honey :) I love you

May Day

I am very upset with how our country's leaders aren't listening to us. Allowing these very large protest marches in our country, of illegal aliens waving their Mexican flag and demanding rights here in this country has made me very angry, and it is an outrage. The cost alone in enforcing security for these marches is costing a pretty penny as well.
We need to start enforcing our laws that are already on the books, and build a fence. We should not allow illegal aliens; rights, housing, jobs etc without legal status.
The majority of illegals don't seem interested in assimilating to our way of life, or in learning english, and there's the difference: The Immigrants want Freedom, the Illegal Aliens want to Freeload.

"FINE UPSTANDING LYING SACK OF SHIT"

It's interesting how he feels that he's the one wronged here.

What a Fine upstanding lying sack of shit
"LSOS"

I've recently learned how he's not only been lying to me but to others as well. He probably lies to himself.

He's been such a fan of talking about getting back to his good spiritualism/energy/karma; with all of his bad behavior, actions and deceit it'll come back to bite him in the butt, and I predict very soon. This just coming from me, and I'm no psychic reader.

Funny, but what I remember most of his talking about his past "spiritualism" looking back in the 70's, was mostly describing devil worship/witchcraft/metaphysical type stuff. His current girlfriend is helping him get back to this spiritualism/darkness. Why oh why didn't I see him and his actions more clearly all those years ago.

Love is blind as they say, but truth is like getting laser surgery and seeing very clearly for the very first time in my life.

While I lost alot of years with this despicable lying sack of shit, at least I have rid myself of him. Living without him these past few months have been wonderful, aside from the divorce issues. Looking back at my having to put up with his anger and rages, using the crystal changed him into a man that was very troubled.

He wouldn't brush his teeth for weeks, didn't bathe very often, his hygeine in general was awful. He didn't comb or brush his hair, when it was long it was horrible, he would just pull it back into an uncombed pony tail, so when he cut it that was a bit of an improvement. His poor hygeine mixed with his short temper that the crystal methamphetamine was doing made him a real mess.

I do hope he gets his life together, not for me I'm done, but he needs to get it together for the kids. I want my kids to have a father. I do have a feeling that his relationship with the kids will always be tainted, which is very sad.

At least I still have alot of good years ahead of me to get enjoyment out of life. I hope my kids stay ever strong to get through this. I know how hard this has been on them and I'm so sorry that there isn't alot I can do to help them, other than to be there for them.

I am so very glad that he honored the one rule I insisted on, that rule being to keep the drugs away from the kids. I didn't want him using around the kids, this was a rule that he hated, but again I am so glad that this was enforced by me. My kids I don't think would be where they are in life today if they would have been subjected to drugs in their lives. This was a constant battle, once the kids started junior high and high school. He would leave crap out on the counter at night almost wanting the kids to see the stuff so he could come out of the closet. I found myself doing "rounds" every night clearing up the junk and putting it all away. He on several occasions would tell me how he wanted to do drugs with our daughter, as he wanted to "connect with her on this level". This LSOS actually was gleeful when she went off to college, saying that she would probably be introduced to drugs while at college. He seemed very disappointed when she told of how she had gone to a party and hated how stupid everyone acted and disliked that druggie atmosphere.

That's when I started telling him that the kids needed a father, not a friend.

I'm putting this ugly divorce behind me as soon as I get the papers from the court. I am moving on and I will survive this. I have great kids, my family and friends are the best. I love my inlaws and want to keep connected to them, I didn't divorce them. My inlaws are not aware of any of these horrid details, as my sister in laws told me how they didn't feel their parents could handle the stress of learning about all of his fuck ups; many affairs, falling asleep at the wheel, getting suspended until 2007, his class 3 felony charges, and his crystal methamphetamine addiction, being in their 80's. I don't want to hurt them any more than they already have been. He told them that "we separated", I wouldn't let him get away with that crap, and told them that he had an affair and left me.

My Daughter Has Reminded Me Of This Song....

ARTIST: Timbuk3
TITLE: The Future's So Bright I Gotta Wear Shades
Lyrics and Chords
Intro: / A - - GD / /
I study nuclear science, I love my classes
I got a crazy teacher, he wears dark glasses
/ A7 - - - / /
{Refrain}
Things are going great, and they're only getting better
I'm doing all right, getting good grades
The future's so bright
I gotta wear shades, I gotta wear shades
/ D - - - A - - GD / D - A - / G - - - / A - - GD / /
I've got a job waiting for my graduation
Fifty thou' a year'll buy a lot of beer
{Refrain}
Well I'm heavenly blessed and worldly wise
I'm a peeping-tom techie with X-ray eyes
{Refrain}
I study nuclear science, I love my classes
I got a crazy teacher, he wears dark glasses
{Refrain}
I gotta wear shades, I gotta wear shades

Astrophysics In Combination With Art....

My daughter is very creative and sometimes shows her true feelings in her art.
While she is graduating with 3 majors, Fine Arts, Music and Japanese; I got the feeling from this picture that she was feeling bad that she didn't choose Astro Physics or Astronomy as one of her majors. She has been really showing alot of interest in this direction and has been working in the astrophysics building with folks that work with NASA and such. Constantly talking about all of the cool stuff that she does while there working. So I was feeling bad that she didn't learn that she was interested in this until after 7 years of college.

Then she started her Honors program and thesis this past year. It's simply incredible how she managed to put all of this scientific work into a beautiful art form, blending together her art with science. Her gallery opening was April 7th, and was a big success. It was very well attended, and I am just so very proud of her. Below is a photo of her 'Spectral Beasties' art show.

Solar Spectrum and Absorption Beasties
Acrylic on foam

What do you get when you look at a rainbow in detail? You begin to see it interrupted by dark bands. These bands are caused when the light is absorbed by molecules and elements present between the hot part of the sun and our eyes, some found in the earth’s atmosphere, some found in sun’s atmosphere. The most prominent bands were first classified by German physicist Joseph von Fraunhofer in the 19th century with the letters H through K, some of which are illustrated here by being orally absorbed by beasties. Each element and molecule absorbs only a very specific frequency of light, which tells us what the sun is composed of.

This painting spans the visible segment of the electromagnetic spectrum (roughly 400-700 nm), which also includes radio waves, microwaves, infrared radiation, ultraviolet radiation, x-rays, and gamma rays. The sun’s light is strongest in the visible part of the spectrum, which may be why our eyes have adapted to see it best.

Emission Beasties of Selected Elements
Acrylic on canvas

These beasties lie near the floor in their ground state. When an atom loses energy it emits a photon. The photons emitted show up in bright bands against a dark background in exactly the same positions that they appear in when absorbing light. Scientists can compare the spectrums of known gases with those of unknown elements in spectrums of celestial objects, such as the sun, in order to understand their compositions. Can you match the absorbed twin D lines in the solar spectrum above, to the emitted twin yellow lines in one of these paintings?

The five paintings exhibit emission spectra of five elements (from left to right):

Na – Sodium, found in trace amounts in the sun

He – Helium, composing 8% of the sun

H – Hydrogen, composing 92% of the sun

O2 – Oxygen, largely in the earth’s atmosphere, also found in trace amounts in the sun

Hg – Mercury, found in trace amounts in the sun

K 393nm Ca
H 397nm Ca
E 527nm Fe
D1 and D2 doublet 589nm and 590nm Na
B 688nm O2 (earth’s atmosphere)

Doppler Fishes

Oil on canvas

When a train approaches, the pitch of its whistle seems high and then when it passes the pitch drops. This is because the whistle’s sound waves are getting squished together as the train comes towards you, and stretched out as it moves away.

The same thing happens with light. As a light source in space such as the Andromeda Galaxy moves towards us, its light waves get compressed and the patterns in its spectral lines all get shifted towards the blue end of the spectrum. The opposite thing happens to nearly all other celestial objects: they are red-shifted because they are moving away. Due to red-shift we can tell the universe is expanding.

So as you can see, she has learned how to incorporate science into an art form. There is simply nothing that she can't do, I'm convinced of this.

April Fool's

Dag nab it, my son got me again this year. I even talked with both kids this morning telling them that I was on my toes about it and how I wasn't going to let them get me today. Well that was early this morning and only a few hours ago my son called me and I wasn't thinking about April Fool's Day any longer. Damn!
Well I won't let them get me next year!
I actually sent them an email prank regarding Chef from South Park but that was kind of lame. Sigh.
Honey you really out did yourself. Although the one you pulled while in California was the most intense one.

I truly am enjoying all this beauty, growing and changing every day.
My son must be shining just like this beautiful flower (as mentioned on my previous post).
Or.... both my kids must be shining
:)

Birthday Beauty

Today is my son's birthday, he is 22 years old.

This gorgeous flower bloomed just overnight with these two beautiful blooms.

I don't understand numerology much, but it's kind of fun to think that these two blooms are in a way celebrating his '22'-ness. This will last for a very long time, for me to look at and be thinking of him.

I wish I could be with him today and do some fun celebrating together. But will settle for enjoying a Guinness in his honor.
I love you honey! I raise my glass, HOO-YAH!
love mom
Also thanks to Nev for the beauty, I do enjoy it every day.

WOO HOO!

Today I took the signed and notarized settlement papers down to the lawyer's office. She will be filing them with the court this afternoon.
WOO HOO!
It doesn't seem fair that I have to give him half the worth of my retirement, when he's the one that ran off and had all of the affairs throughout our marriage, being so full of lies and deceit, cheapening anything good that we may have had during this marriage. He once said that he felt sorry for my being so fixated on all of his affairs to the elimination of all else, and that is why he settled in the manner in which he did. So in a way he's blaming me for his mean antics in his behavior in how he has dealt with my lawyer, racking up the hours of phone calls, emails and the like. $$$. I'm not fixated, I just have folks every week or two telling me of another affair with someone that he had. When will these stories end, I don't need to hear them anymore, I've heard enough to learn what a joke our marriage had been over the 25 plus years. He has just blamed everything to do with our marriage on me, that everything was my fault, that I didn't do this, or that I wouldn't do that, etc.. Well with his many affairs, it's hard to see that he was ever 100% committed to our marriage. Just like a leopard he won't change his spots, he'll start having affairs behind his new girlfriend's back, he might have started already. She having an affair with him knowing that he was a married man. To be able to lie in my face, the one person that should be the closest person to him, his wife. He talks now of how he tried to tell me blah blah blah, but a few weeks before his last affair, I had asked him what a certain phone call meant, and he lied to me while directly looking in my face. "Oh, she talks to everyone that way, she's weird, etc." Funny how he's demeaning his new girlfriend already, or maybe not so funny, just more of the same. He had definitely perfected his art of lying to me.
By doing crystal methamphetamine for several years, which I hated, he fell asleep at the wheel just last April, while driving on the highway having the air bags deploy and saving his life, he also got suspended from work, having gotten busted while on the job using. Oh but he only uses medicinally, I forgot, heh. If we had gone to court, I was told that I would probably have to pay him maintenence, they kept talking about me with my good earning potential. It's truly amazing how the courts afford every indulgence to drug abusers. The fact that he lost his job because of getting busted, my lawyer told me was just bad timing for me. Just to name a few issues here. His equity in the house equaled my half of the stocks and my half of his IRA's, or at least pretty close, ( we still had alot of debt in the house) but my retirement put me over so it necesitated my giving him half.
Half of his IRA's = around $30,000,
half of my pension = $70,000.00
So I'm paying him $75,000.00 total, $65,000.00 now
and $10,000.00 over 4 years.
I will be able to keep this home, for that I'm very grateful.
It will be so wonderful to get all of this ugliness behind me and I can start fresh, and get on with my life, without him in it. I am so done with him.
A girlfriend spoke of my being "SOL".
Survivor Of L**.

link

Now to qualify for a mortgage, including the previous mortgage, line of credit and now the money I'll have to pay him off with, sigh....

Serendipity

I was just part of a reuniting of high school sweethearts after more than 20 years and several broken relationships later. The timing of each being involved while the other wasn't, distance, life in general kept them apart over all of the lost years. Well now they have reunited and are so happy to have found each other again. It was meant to be....

To Make Yourself Out To Be A Victim

How angry I became when I found out about the bitch badmouthing my kids, because they are being such 'bad kids' to their father. What's worse is how dear old dad didn't dispute any of it. Oh poor me, the kids don't love me anymore.... What a nice understanding 'holistic healer' who is so understanding about what the kids are having to deal with.
It's a good thing I wasn't there, how dare she bad mouth my kids.
Also changing actual events, from when R changed locks and L and his bitch took the 45 minute tour, to; boo hoo, R wouldn't let me into my own house. Oh poor me....Bullshit. Thankfully R was able to tell the truth about what actually happened.
Also L has been rewriting history regarding the drug bust et all. Terrible that there are just too many witnesses that were there that really know what happened.
Strike three you're out.

With the ugly comments made about the kids, and all of his remarks about his 'new' family, it makes me wonder about how he feels about his 'old' family. In regard to the disposition of the pistols/inheritance that he may not give to the kids as previously agreed upon, I would like to think that he hasn't gone off his rocker too far. I'm certainly seeing him very clearly now and his actions speak volumes.
At mediation I gave him these pistols, I then told him how I hoped that he would give them to the kids, with that he told me how he was still upset with our son not talking to him. So I told him how BOTH kids were having a very hard time dealing with our divorce, and then he said well S is still talking to me. I would like my kids to have a father, but he has to do alot of soul searching and rehab and get healthy. I only hope my kids are still around for him when he's ready to act/be their father again.

Oh how I wish I had bought this shirt....

Frivolity And Mirth

On Monday, dozens of sword-wielding Hindu activists used loudspeakers in the central city of Bhopal to ask couples to stay indoors on Tuesday. “We oppose it (Valentine’s Day) tooth and nail because the concept has come from the West and through it an attempt is being made to spoil Indian culture,” said Devendra Rawat, a spokesman for radical Hindu outfit Bajrang Dal in the city. “Our teams will visit parks frequented by boys and girls and teach them a lesson.” In Mumbai activists of the Shiv Sena, a right-wing pro-Hindu political party, on Sunday vandalised a gift shop. The activists said they would also target hotels and restaurants that offered special romantic deals on Tuesday.

The 'Bah Humbug' of Valentine's Day

Yeah, Happy Valentine's Day.

Being Remembered

I was surprised by beautiful flowers being delivered today. They are gorgeous and smell incredible.
I have to admit that I had been feeling a bit alone with Valentine's Day just around the corner, and the flowers just made my day.
Being remembered in this special way, made me feel like a million, and very loved.
Thanks to my son and daughter who have just been wonderful to me and I really appreciate it. I love you guys too :)

BOOYA!

I am so very proud of my daughter.
She will be graduating with three majors, Music, Japanese and Cum Laude Fine Arts.
I was just able to reserve a room on campus for this wonderful celebration, and am very happy about this. This room has a patio/deck outside facing the Flat Irons in Boulder.
Several family and friends will be flying in for this wonderful occasion to help congratulate my daughter in all of her wonderful achievements.
I've just learned a new word, "booya", (It means basically, "bam!", "in your face", and "hell yeah", all at the same time. A term that self congradulates the user, describes excitement, lets others know the magnificence of the celebration or rouse as well as the superiority of the user, and is used as an exclamation of those ideas.)

BOOYA! BOOYA! BOOYA!

Shopping

I went shopping today with my daughter, and just had the best time. Insane sales on items that are really needed, and having everything look great on her made it easy.

Now Take A Deep Breath

Walking out to my car this afternoon after being in a store for a little over an hour, I found a dent in my car. Man am I pissed off about that. Someone's karma is in a bucket now. I'd like to kick that bucket however.
I'm visiting a friend tomorrow and his job is repairing dents and things, hopefully he'll be able to fix it for not too much money.

Happy New Year!

What a great week. With both kids home it was just the best.
After the party last night and the kids 'skating the lake' to celebrate the New Year, we all gathered and visited and continued enjoying each others company and being all together.
We all said our goodbyes, and well wishes for 2006, then started on our trek home.
After driving home, then packing, we started off for the airport. To need to be at the airport 2 hours before a flight isn't very fun. He dozed a bit on the way to the airport, and I dozed on the way back home from the airport. No, but I did have to pull over to take a nap before I made it all the way home though.
I hope for 2006 to be a fresh beginning. That all of the strife in the Middle East and throughout the world become a better place. On my homefront as well, that loved ones be held close and cherished, and nurtured in their health and good will. That family and friends continue to support, love and honor each other and grow ever stronger in their ties and convictions.
To keep on a positive path, with smart direction, guided by love of good friends and family.
Wow, the one year mark for this blog, may it's journal help me to see my strengths and help me through rough times. To see clearly, and remember the good times as well.
I lost the weight last year, now this year to continue to keep the weight off and firm up with exercising. Take good care of my health mentally and physically. Keeping a strong focus on life in general.

One Year Mark

Well it's been one year ago tomorrow that I started this blog. I have really enjoyed writing to this site, something that has surprised me, but also something that has helped me in keeping a journal of sorts.
Alot has happened in this past year, good and bad. I love that my children are around me and that they are doing so extremely well, both of them.
The kids will be going to the 'skate the lake' New Years celebration, while I sit with good friends and drink and go off my diet for a cheat or two. There will be fireworks over the lake at 9 PM and again at midnight, then they will come back to the house and we'll all gather to play games. My son flys out early New Year's Day, sigh. I'm terrible with goodbyes, I hope he will be able to come out again for my daughter's graduation.

Surprise Surprise

My son surprised me by coming home arriving on the Solstice a few days ago. It seems that everyone knew about his coming home except for me. Surprises are a funny thing, they're great if you're "in on it", but not so great if you're not. Although, I'm loving that he's home.
It is so wonderful having both kids home, I'm just loving this.
Family, friends, food, and drink, a wonderful combination.
Well, my kids can surprise me anytime, anywhere, any way and any place.

Relationships Gone Bad

While I can appreciate the value for our children for my 'soon to be ex' husband and I to remain civil to each other while getting our divorce and further down the road as well, this is much more difficult than I thought.
I recently attended a memorial service of a friend that both of us were at. I thought I would be okay if he didn't bring his girlfriend, but that wasn't enough. I felt extremely uncomfortable, to the point of my stomach churning at times.
He tells me of how he'd like for us to "all be friends", this is very insane to me, he's the one with the relationship with her, not me. I don't want her shoved in my face at all, nor in my life. I'm also finding now that I don't want to be around him either. I don't know honestly how I will feel as time goes on, but for now it's very painful for me.
Also I don't I want our friends to see us in the same room together, as it may look as though I approve of what he's doing, that I'm "okay" with it, and that can't be farther from the truth here. No he needs to pay emotionally for his actions, he screwed up and hurt me very deeply, and to act as though everything is okay is too much bullshit for me.
I hate him for what he's done to me (the affair), for what he's taken from me (all of my years wasted with him), for all of the deceitfulness (all the lies, groping and more to other women throughout our marriage), for alot of our friends knowing about his indescretions and never telling me (OMG), and now I'm supposed to make nice now as though none of this ever happened. Or worse yet be accepting of it.
Well I am holding on to get through this divorce, and will try to "get along" for the sake of our children, but I'm done. No more of his shit.
I just hope that in the future when our kids have social things like marriage and grandkids that may enter into the picture, I will be able to work out some type of situation that I can see the kids or whatever and not have to deal with him.
The next social event that will be coming up is my daughters graduation. I am so very proud of her, and have already apologized to her about how I feel and will act during her graduation. I feel bad that I'm creating stress for her, and I will look at ways to reduce this if something more civil can be worked out. I told her that I will go to the graduation, and will throw her the biggest graduation party to celebrate all of her successes. Her father at this point will not be invited to my party that I'm throwing for her, he can have a party on his own. I will endure our having to be together for the graduation ceremony, but not the celebration. Who knows if he'll still even be with his new girlfriend, he may even have a newer one, I certainly don't care.

Preparations

Well, I'm feeling like I've gotten most everything pre done that I can think of. Laundry, grocery shopping (microwave easy stuff), and cleaned the house. I'll be having surgery tomorrow, and won't be able to lift, twist or do stairs for awhile. This frustrates me to no end, I'm sure I'll see stuff that I want to get done and won't be supposed to do it.
Even though I have alot of confidence in my surgeon (I scrubbed with her in surgery many times in the past and love her surgery ethic and how she remained calm in emergent situations). The odd sense of nervousness creeps into my heart and mind. While trying to tell myself everything will be alright, as I know it will be, this twitch keeps annoying me and putting stupid thoughts into my head. I will probably look back after my surgery and read this entry and feel pretty damn stupid.
With all that's going on in my life right now, I just don't want anything to happen to me until I know that the kids will be treated fairly. This is probably what is nagging at me, and so I should throw this feeling out the window, as my kids are the greatest and I shouldn't worry about them at all.

Making "Nice"

I have friends who have been remaining “friends” with both of us, so they've had to endure meeting the bitch too, sorry.
A girlfriend told me last night how the bitch told her to be “nice” to me, because I was “going through hard times”.
How dare she try to make herself seem or look compassionate, that’s so far from the truth, weaseling in acting like she’s a friend herself. Or worse yet that she is “healing” in any way, bullshit.
Such an unethical bitch un-fucking-believable. That’s probably how she thinks that her holistic healing is validated as well, bitch.
That my friend wouldn’t be “nice” to me in the first place. How dare she even enter into it as though she’s “healing”. Fuck her. Truth of the matter is that they know what a bitch she really is, they are only being “nice” to her.
Yes I’m angry, for her to mess with their minds pisses me off. She tries to make it look like she means so well, and feels sorry, well she is so full of shit.

Also, talking with yet another friend; here I spent alot of time carrying out all of his clothes taping the hangers together, putting his shoes, socks etc., into bags and putting them into the cars sitting outside the house, so he could pick up his stuff with the clothes being protected in the car if the weather turned bad. Well, his version is that I put the stuff outside in the yard. Makes me wonder what he's telling other folks about what's really going on here....

Veteran's Day

I just finished watching the celebration at Arlington Cemetery with Vice President Cheney. It really stirs up many emotions, how much I truly love our country, and what we stand for and defend.Thank you to all of our veterans.In our neck of the woods, we have a small group that frequently gathers items to send over to Iraq and Afghanistan to support our troops. Now we're collecting for Christmas, so as to give those a sense of home while away fighting for our freedom. Knowing that all over our country these small groups are organizing and sending out items to help, does my heart good. It's as though we're "mom's" to all of our son's and daughter's, and are so very proud of them all.I'm planning on going down the hill to Denver to go to Ft. Logan cemetery, where Danny Deitz and others are buried. It is so important to honor our dead, and show appreciation for their ultimate sacrifice. At a local establishment here, "The Bucksnort Saloon", there's a plaque that tells of a Navy SEAL's reunion that occurred here. Dunno if it's real, but it brings joy to think that this place was once occupied by hero's. Because of this, I also plan to enjoy a tall one for all of our servicemen and women at the end of the day.
Thanks to my son and to my dad and to my friend Jerry for serving in the military, protecting our freedoms.

Shards Of Broken Rubble Ashes And Debris

Well I've learned today how L** has been making advances to other women over the years. I just got an email from a friend telling me.

How I was so blind to all of this, just kills me. Another friend also told me of advances made by L** to another woman. And a third woman also with the same story. In a way verifying each other's stories.
It was said to L** and the bitch about how can you build a relationship out of shards of broken rubble ashes and debris. Well they deserve each other. Both have been so damn deceitful, telling nothing but lies. I am truly done here.
Here's the e-mail that I received just this morning:

Jan, I love you and please call me. Any night you're up late, I get home about 11:15 PM. I'd like to see you and be your friend through this. Drugs warp people's minds and now that I work as a 911 operator, I hear daily with the fall-out of crystal meth - it destroys brains and lives. Stop blaming yourself.

In 1985 when I bought my condo and L** came over to advise me about how to rough in a basement bathroom, he grabbed me from behind and started kissing my neck and groping my breasts. I was shocked. I pulled away and told him in no uncertain terms that I was not interested, that you were my friend.

He tried again on another occasion, after I was married, I think it was the summer of 1991. I do not believe he was any stranger to adultery even back then, he seemed morally quite comfortable with it. He let me know he was still interested if I ever changed my mind. I made it a point to never be alone with him after that.

So many times I thought about telling you. But I would see how happy you were, and what beautiful children you had, and did not want to cause you or your family pain. I'm only telling you because you obviously need to know this now. Stop blaming yourself. He was NEVER a faithful husband, he was a cheater from early on. Such men do not change. I'm sorry, but it is true. I'd like to be a better friend to you now, if you'll let me. I want to see you. Love, L***

Selecting A Mate At "The Man Store"

My husband announced to me that he has been unhappy for the last 20 years, and was leaving me. (This was the first I learned of this) There was no discussion, explaination, nor arguement just those cold words that I replay in my head, "Jan, I'm leaving you". He said it like a mantra like he was trying to convince himself as well. Telling me that he had an appointment to get to in 10 minutes and couldn't stay, was a bit too staged, but what was I to do. I was in shock, not understanding left crying with my head spinning.

A bit of history here, approximately 10 years ago, he had an affair short lived but non the less an affair, and when I learned of it he cried, telling me how sorry he was and professed his undying love for me. It took a long time for us to work this through and for me to begin trusting him again, but I finally did. Getting a counselor was discussed, but I felt like we had worked through it on our own adequately. Me being the one that was wronged here to make that decision.

Our 25th wedding anniversary is Oct. 12th, tomorrow. I think I deserve a little more compassion than what he has showed me. He likes to tell friends how we separated, instead of how he was so very deceitful going behind my back, and had to be told by another friend how he needs to tell me, this was said to him while he was introducing her to this friend. That he owes me that, being that we have been married for so long. He left me worried sick after the drug bust not hearing from him, thinking the worst that he got into another car accident falling asleep at the wheel.

This bitch being the founder of a center that offers various therapys such as channeling, stone, and is a "holistic healer" herself etc., knowing that he was a married man was very unethical in having the affair with him.

He should have told me he wanted to separate, then after a legal separation or divorce carry on a relationship with someone else if that's what he wanted to do. Not before. He tells me how he feels he's getting back to his good spirituality and good energy, karma or whatever, and that she is helping him attain this. How can he see this as anything of a good spirituality or energy when they were both so deceitful going behind my back with all of the lies and affair. I found out that he also introduced her to our daughter telling her not to tell mom, during the time that I didn't know about the affair, while he was still coming home to me.

A side note of all this; the bitch has two adoptive teenager daughters 13 and 14 I think. To have a man that she has only known a week or two at the time, move in as a lover sure is teaching these young girls a wonderful lesson here. She should have these children removed from her. To subject her girls to a man that she really doesn't know, frightening. He's a good man, but she doesn't really know that, well used to be. I'm still strongly considering reporting her ass for being so unethical.

He also has been addicted to speed, something that he refuses to acknowledge. He tells me that he only uses it "medicinally". Using these drugs among other problems has caused him to lose a wonderful job, having gotten busted while at work. He needs to admit that he has a problem and get into a drug rehab program. Using these drugs caused alot of turmoil in our relationship, as I hated him using speed. He would get very irritable, short tempered, and his perspective of how or what was said was squewed. I always tried to be positive and hope that he would eventually stop his drug use, something that never happened.

He promised me that he would honor my request to not have this bitch in our house. He not only brought her to our home, he gave her a tour. I had a friend changing the locks, something that my counselor had suggested, and he came on a day that he knew that I was working and wouldn't be home. He gave her a 45 minute tour, my friend that was changing the locks told me how he overheard him saying, "this is my heritage", "these are mine", "this was my father's", as he showed her through the house. I find this interesting especially when he made the comment about our home only being about attaining stuff, not about love. He also started taking things, which my friend I'm sorry got in the middle of this, said hey you shouldn't take stuff without Jan here.

He tells me of how he will help me with the mortgage, but he hasn't worked since he got busted at work for drugs. This I will reserve judgement on to see how it shakes out, hopefully he will help some.

Not working, he goes out to expensive restaurants, (this I learned seeing the bank statement) and just enjoying his time with this bitch. When he was home, we were working our butts off trying to get caught up on bills. We did get caught up on our bills, and I saw light at the end of the tunnel, so much for that.

I guess I'm starting to move into the realization that he won't be coming back, not being interested in marriage counseling. We never were at a juncture to even discuss it, he moved right to the announcement.

I am very angry over learning that he tells me how unhappy he was especially for so long, and when I ask him why he didn't tell me or leave back then, he tells me that he tried to tell me, but I wouldn't listen. I would have heard that, please. Also about why he didn't leave, he tells me he stayed out of inertia. How selfish of him, for me to think that I had a loving man that was my partner in life, not be honest with me so I could have moved on to possibly be with someone who would truly love and appreciate me. We would have arguements, but we had good times too. His hindsight now of only seeing the downside with the perspective of the bitch, isn't helping things.

I have always been one to view life as a one shot deal. Enjoy it to the max, this being said, if I were unhappy, I'd do something about it. I just don't understand his thinking here.

I feel he is having a mid life crisis, as alot of our friends feel as well, and add that they don't think it'll last much more than 6 months with this bitch. I'm told that she doesn't want him to work, that she will take care of him. He has been driving her newer cars around, not needing our junk shitboxes to drive. We'll see how that shakes out, will she help pay my mortgage for him? Or his lawyer?

A friend wrote back to me with these thoughts:

It may not feel like it now, but maybe it’s time for you to move on, too. How many other ways are you going to leave yourself open for him. You must protect yourself financially, emotionally, physically, and every other way you could imagine. Let her support him. Enjoy that she gets a broken-down man who could crap on the person closest to him. When selecting a mate, if you went to the“man store”, is that the kind of guy you’d choose? Me either. Not the qualities I’d choose for someone close to me. Let’s see some other traits he’s shown her: he’s willing to lie to his life-long mate and his daughter and to the world. He’s in love until something better (in his opinion) comes along. He betrays and stays around even when unhappy, meaning he didn’t have the guts to get out of a bad marriage (if it was actually so bad). He has no loyalty to the person who stuck by HIM during even the bad times. He didn’t give the two of you the opportunity to fix all that was wrong (in his opinion) in your marriage. He was so good at his deception that you weren't given the clues that something was wrong. Do you get where I’m going here? SHE DESERVES HIM! And most important, you don’t deserve all the crap they are dishing to you.

Frequency

There are several learned facets to speaking.

Men are raised with what can be called "dominance talking", using conversation to control, win debate, argue. Not just their speech, but their body language is noticeably aggressive. (Think "Foghorn Leghorn".) Content is far less important than pecking order.

Women are raised with "support talking", eliciting requests for emotional support and offering emotional support. Again, actual content is unimportant. (Think of the stereotypical gab fest.)

A third facet, common to both men and women is the content of their speech: data, emotional, or physical. This is both natural and learned.

"Data speech", is attempting to convey very accurate and specific information in a clear, concise, and ordered form as possible. It takes a great deal of focus on the part of both the speaker and the listener, and has severe limitations as far as accuracy goes.

"Emotional speech" attempts to convey broader lessons. It is far less accurate as far as data goes, instead idealizing events to clarify complex emotional lessons. Urban legends are the logical extreme of this.

"Physical speech" is less talking than a barrage of physical contact while talking. It is uncommon except with very physically-oriented people, who are trained against using it, as most other people interpret it as assault, rather than an effort at communication.

Here is an example at a track meet as told by an observer that I find interesting; frustrating lack-of-communication conversation between a physical guy, an emotional guy, and a data-oriented guy.
It was bizarre.The physical guy had run in a track meet.
The data guy asked him how it was. His answer was simplistic, and he acted it out, "Oh, we ran and ran and the other guys ran really hard and we ran and stuff!" The data guy was puzzled, and whipped out a bunch of statistical questions: who won? who was second place? what were their times? how many people were there?, etc.
The physical guy just looked at him painfully, with a "who cares?" expression on his face. He finally replied something like "I guess I won."So the data guy turned to the emotional guy and asked him about the race.
The emotional guy had been in the stands and talked about how exciting and thrilling it had been, with lots of emotional highs and lows, but "we" pulled through and won! Now it was the data guy's turn to be puzzled. Once again, he had no data to process, just subjective stuff. The emotional guy had no clue about the stats, but made some approximate guesses, which were unacceptable to the data guy.
Anyway, after watching this exchange, the three parted company, and I made it a point to talk to them alone. Each of the three expressed frustration that the other two didn't get the whole point of the race. For the runner it was the action, for the data guy it was the stats, and for the emotional guy it was for the thrill. I have seen better communication between people of different languages.

Another facet of speech is natural, what could be called "frequency". That is, a very 'buzzy' person has difficulty communicating with a very 'sluggish' person. The buzzy person tries to slow their own conversation down, and the sluggish person tries to speed theirs up. If the gap between the two is too great, they can't reach the same "frequency" and no communication happens.

Data, emotional, and physical communication have very different "frequency bands" in which they normally operate, and some people experience much difficulty jumping from one band to another. These, and other major natural and learned patterns of speech are very exclusive. Unless you are used to them, communication doesn't happen and you are faced with people you don't understand, apparently talking nonsense. Physical people often end up in jail, just for trying to say something.

So in looking or examining communication, it can be easy for one party to think that the other party understands or heard something in how it was said or meant to be understood, when it is entirely possible that they didn't.

Distraction falls into place here as well. Some feel like they can multi task, by this I mean; for one to read a paper, watch TV, and feel like they are listening is crazy. Often times the one talking starts getting distracted by looking at what the listener is looking at and forgets what the communication was about in the first place. Worse yet is when the listener interupts and says a quick retort of an outline almost of the content of the speakers intent, not always being accurate. Often times happening out of wanting a conversation to end. Very rude to say the least.

For someone to be on the same frequency and finish each others sentences, or being on the same plane of thought is wonderful. But to note the difference here of someone trying to insert a new idea or concept into a conversation not known to the listener yet needs to get the point across first, then to be on the same plane to finish each others thoughts in words as to discuss the new item brought up in the conversation.

Common courtesy of being a good listener and really caring what that person has to say speaks volumes.

This being said, when someone says how they have tried to tell someone something over many years but it was never understood, should have tried another frequency. As the listener doesn't realize that they are missing out on a potential important bit of news.

To be a good listener with patience, courtesy and understanding is a rarity. To be a good speaker on the right frequency knowing that you are understood I've learned now is a rarity as well.

A Faux Love

When I won your love, I was very glad
Every happiness in the world belonged to me
Then our love was lost and you went away
Now I shed my tears in lonely misery

I know now that you never ever really loved me
It hurts me now to think you never ever really cared
I sit and ask myself a thousand times to try and find
What really happened to the love that we shared

How could I be such a fool
How could I believe all those lies you told me
How could I be taken in by your sweet face
You spoiled our love, you ruined my life
I'm so tore down, I'm a terrible disgrace

But there will come a time and you'll regret the way
You treated me as if I was a fool and didn't know
The many times you lied about your love for me
Someone else is gonna know that your love was just a show...

How could I be such a fool?

Frank Zappa.

Inertia is an interesting word.
For one to use the excuse of inertia, in not leaving a relationship, giving the appearance that love is present, to find out that it hasn't been (how could it be with the behaviors exhibited now), instead wasting so many years of another by allowing them to think that they had a loving partner by their side, is so very selfish.

Hurricane Rita

Rita is a category 5 Hurricane, very frightening. I hope people evacuate. If not I hope they are well prepared for the worst and have supplies for several days.
To think that it's hurricane season until the end of November.

Deer Hunting

This morning I got a call from a friend that we allowed to bow hunt on our land for deer. He got one only after about an hour this morning, practically sitting on our deck. He just finished telling me of all the details of how it happened, and it just made my morning. First arrow shot too
(this picture is on the west side of our home where he got the deer)

No Matter What

When you love someone, truly love that person, even if they mess up or do something stupid, or if you're the one that causes the mess up, doesn't change the fact that you still love them. I would like to think that they could come to me and we can talk and work it out together. To not come to me thinking I would judge them isn't right, or because they might not want to 'hear it'. I may say yeah you messed up, but then let's choose the best way of dealing with it. Together I feel we can tackle anything. For someone not to call me for help, do they think of me as such a monster that I would harp at them over their mess up? I hope not. Sometimes the very act of what got you in the predicament you're in, is what puts you in a different thought pattern that effects your decisions in a bad way. It makes you see things not as clearly as you need to be seeing them. Please don't push away the folks that really love you. Most of us trip a few times along the way in life, no one is perfect. What's important is that we learn from it and pick ourselves up and continue on. Communication skills are very important, I often learn that my intentions are misunderstood, or taken the wrong way. Please don't misunderstand this, I love you, no matter what.

Forever Changing History

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/September_11,_2001_attacks

Talking to our aunt that lived in Chelsea, not going out because the air was choking. Our sister in law being confused by learning planes crashed into the twin towers after she walked to work only a few blocks away, thinking how it was too clear a day for this to happen. I was working an International conference in Denver, so we set up large TV's to keep people informed of what was going on.
Remembering this day, keeps us strong, focused and united in fighting terrorism. We need to make sure that our borders are closed and monitored, monitoring our airports, train stations and subway systems as well. We need to remain vigilant in our reserve to be aware of our surroundings and report any strange behavior.
I remember a time when you wouldn't worry about such things, but today our world is a more dangerous place. We need to just live smart.

Blog Spam

Man I returned to check out my blog, and was excited about seeing 4 comments. I should have been suspicious that I got 4 comments within a short time of writing. Interesting that it zero'ed in on my previous comment of the Katrina Hurricane
So I've enabled the little wig dealie, hopefully this will help.

Katrina Emergency Preparedness

Let me first preface this comment by saying that I hope you don't think I'm a terrible person for harboring these feelings.
Why folks didn't follow the mandatory evacuation is beyond me. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but the satellite photos of this hurricane demonstrated that this was a big one. The fact that we're hearing about rapes murders and looting is very tragic too. The fact of snipers shooting at the helocopters that are trying to bring relief is just craziness. Having to use troops to contain order rather than have everyone doing relief effort is stupid.
It seems that the folks that stayed behind for whatever reason mostly seem to be a mixture of thugs and those not having resources. What we're seeing now is the ignorance that has been breeding here over many years. These folks seem to rely on the government to help out in every way. I never understood watching folks walking in the water back and forth staying in the town, why they didn't keep walking north out of town I'll never know. Anything would be better than staying in New Orleans.
Most of all the disaster plans encourage folks to have a family plan intact, to be ready themselves and knowledgeable in how to access information. The local government failed miserably as well, going off the deep end. It is sad that precious hours and days were wasted because of this. Why the local government didn't activate school busses to assist folks to get out before the storm hit is curious. With the evacuation site being the Superdome also below sea level is pretty crazy as well, also that no supplies were taken in preparation to the Superdome anticipating refugee's arriving.
I know this sounds horrible, as I like to think I am compassionate in alot of ways. I guess what I mean to say is I would like to help folks already making some attempt here. For it to be expected that everything be done is crazy especially in such an all out emergency. I'm not refering to the elderly or sick, I'm mostly refering to the able bodied.
To not see these guys help each other out is frustrating to say the least. I feel like we are failing the folks that were just too ignorant to leave or that decided to stay for other strange reasons (that escape me) and are stuck with these thugs. So much for emergency preparedness. Meanwhile I hope folks survive this tragic situation.

With New Orleans being below sea level, it makes me wonder if it would be good to rebuild the city to a higher ground. I know they will probably rebuild it where it stands, but it seems to me to be a bandaid, and that this tragic situation could happen again with the next horrendous storm.

I also wonder about the folks evacuated to Houston, they probably won't have the funds to travel back to New Orleans, especially after several months of starting school and jobs and most probably will get established in Houston.

My heart goes out to all of these families that are suffering so much in these very difficult times.

Lyrics

I used to think that my hearing got bad when I hit my 40's. With hindsight, I've been thinking that I must have been hard of hearing for a long time before that. Upon remembering some old time favorite songs and lyrics, I was laughing at myself while remembering a few choice songs.

"There's A Bad Moon On The Rise"---"There's A Bathroom On The Right"
or;
"She's Got A Ticket To Ride"---"She's Got A Tick In Her Ass, (And She Don't Care)"

Can I blame it on a transistor radio not having a strong signal? Ha Ha

Bomb Squad

I wore a t-shirt that I guess looked kind of official.
Some guy working on another crew saw me and really thought that I was part of a bomb squad. I laughed so hard it brought tears to my eyes, then I thought man I guess in these times it may be necessary to have folks like this in some work environments, and then it wasn't so funny. (Someone also added that this being a christian focused convention, it would be a prime target for terrorists)
My shirt's logo said;

BOMB SQUAD
if you see us running, try to keep up

Hummers In Action

This morning was my first day off in awhile, nice to be awoken by the Hummers, rather than the alarm clock. They were really talking and singing up a storm. Not only their song, but the sounds from their wings are fun as well.
I just refilled the feeder having made up the batch last night, and put it in the refrigerator so it would be nice and cool for them.
They are swarming like mad, I just love them.
Below is a site that I found that has a few short sound bytes of these beautiful Hummingbirds.

http://animaldiversity.ummz.umich.edu/site/accounts/sounds/Trochilidae.html

The Distant Rumble

The Sumatra-Andaman Fault.

Here is a site that you can listen to the recording of the underwater sound produced by the magnitude 9.3 earthquake that took place December 26th 2004.
http://www.ldeo.columbia.edu/news/2005/07_20_05.htm

Swag n' Drool

We worked at the Harley Davidson Show a few days back, mostly down in the meeting rooms. Got to go up to the show floor and see some of the gorgeous bikes for a short time. The crotch rockets or Donor Bikes as I refer to them, were very pretty. Actually the side cars were pretty cool as well. Lot's of fun swag too. (This photo doesn't do justice, it's from my old phone.)

This Is So Me

So often I find myself in front of the computer, having lost all sense of time.
So thought this sketch by Sarah (thanks) would be a great profile photo for me.

Ceremony At Fort Logan

Attended services today, a proud silence. My heart goes out to this family, and my thoughts and prayers are with them during this very difficult time.

Navy SEAL Danny Dietz, 25, was one of three commandos killed in a firefight June 28 when they were ambushed in the mountains of eastern Afghanistan while searching for a high-ranking terrorist. One member of the special-forces unit eluded capture and told authorities that Dietz had saved his life. For heroism in combat, Dietz was posthumously awarded the Silver Star, one of the military's highest honors.
Dietz was badly wounded as he fought off more than 30 attackers advancing on him down a rugged mountainside, killing "numerous" enemies, authorities said Monday.

SEAL Memorial at the Punchbowl (Picture and info via another blogger, I just wanted to pay tribute to these brave warriors on my blog.)
SEAL's Crosses HOOYAH!

There were 11 pairs of UDT Duck Feet swim fins tips down, ankle straps crossed, sitting beneath a desert painted M-4 rifle with its muzzle downward topped by a desert cammie helmet. A SEAL's Cross. Five of these had a Hawaiian lei placed around the rifle to signify the five sailors from Hawaii that had perished. On a table behind the rifles were shadow boxes for each man containing their full compliment of military awards, rank insignia, and a tri folded American flag. Above each shadow box was a large photo of each man. On another table just to the side was another display consisting of five sets of UDT Duck Feet draped with a UDT life jacket and topped with an old style oval shaped SCUBA facemask that had the name and BUD/S class number of each man engraved on the glass. Leaning on each was a Navy K-bar knife that had each man’s name and BUD/S class engraved upon it as well.

A very tragic time. To these brave young warriors may you rest in peace.

Ancient Times

Yesterday My daughter and I went to the Denver Museum of Natural History. It had been several years since last going and it was very fun to go again.
The lights went out for some reason while we were in the Egyptian part of the building, and the generator lights came on immediately, but only out in the main hallways. We just turned on our trusty flashlights and continued walking through the mummies displayed. The darkness walking through the exhibit really improved the ambience of it all, somehow making it more fun. Kinda felt like Lara Croft or Indiana Jones. We soon had an entourage of folks walking behind us all enjoying the lit up displays with our flashlights.

Happy Birthday America

This year July 4th has been a very sad one, having learned of the Special Forces tragedy only a few days ago in Afghanistan.
We should remind ourselves what the fireworks signify, and remember and honor those brave young men. This was well said by someone else, but I really wanted to include it here on my blog. As this sets at the core of our country and what we stand for. My heart goes out to these families, and may they always know just how highly their sacrifices are honored. Let us also hope that they did not die in vain.

I Feel A Disturbance in the Force

My heart goes out to the family and friends of those Navy SEAL Operatives that went down with the helicopter. Also to the Night Stalkers on the helicopter. It is so difficult to see our soldiers giving the ultimate sacrifice for the rest of us to stay safe.

A Delicate Balance

Being misunderstood can be very unsettling. While raving and being proud for one, it's gone unnoticed how proud of the other I am. Hey I'm there.

A new baby deer in our front yard today, looked to be only a few hours old. We saw the mommy deer pretty close by.

Gary and Nevada at Bailey Day June 25th 2005

Bailey Day 6-25-05

Bailey Day June 25th 2005

Summer Solstice 2005

Happy Solstice

What a fun time we had while at the Solstice party. Great folks, food and music, as always. Our friends are the absolute best and being able to introduce folks of different groups that didn't know each other but have similar interests was a very fun thing to be able to do.
We successfully stood the proverbial "egg" vertical to stand alone, and as we all were looking on in awe at this feat, about 30 seconds into it; a little kid came by and broke our intense wonderment of it all by grabbing the egg and announcing "mine". This was of course another "aw", of another ilk, as I had never seen this other than on TV or to read about being able to do it.
Fun times....

Half Life

Overheard at the party tonight. "Physics aside, the half life of whiskey is always shorter at an O'Leary party".
What a fun time, good friends, food, and live Irish music.

So Very Proud

Wow, my son just bought a house. He called and told me of all the wonderful details, and his voice was filled with excitement and joy. I am very happy for him and proud too.

Peanuts Quiz

This was a fun quiz, I was pig pen.
Cut and paste into your browser:

http://quizilla.com/users/anonymousnowhere/quizzes/Which%20Peanuts%20Character%20are%20You?/

Spotting Bullshit From Miles Away

Our Clint Barmes of the Rockies who plays short stop has broken his clavicle.
On the news tonight he was talking about how he broke it when he slipped on some steps while carrying groceries. He went on to say that he didn't know it was broken for a time and when he found out he was bummed. That's pretty painful how does one not realize that it's broken?! Is it the fact that he's an athlete that has a higher pain tolerance?
I suspect he was doing something that he shouldn't have been doing, but gave this lame story to cover. I wonder how much money he got in his contract. Maybe I should cut him some slack. It is possible that it happened the way that he says, just because who would make up a story like that.
I'm sorry that it happened, but come on fess up with the truth!

Guilt Professional

I was really enjoying some cherries that I bought at the grocery store the other day. How sweet and firm they were, I loved everything about them.
Then I remembered a conversation I had with my daughter a few years back about how she hated cherries, and thought it was because of the cherry flavored cough syrup I gave her as a child. How terrible not to enjoy fresh yummy cherries.
I used to pick cherries as a kid with alot of my friends. A group of 5 or 6 of us would attack a tree, and pick it clean in a few hours. We would climb up the rickety ladders, and one would climb up the trunk of the tree, and we'd have the radio playing. I remember, "Little Red Riding Hood You Sure Are Looking Good...." as being one of the songs that was current at the time.
Fun fun times, earning money to buy clothes for the next school year, and gas that cost 23.9 cents per gallon at the time sigh....
I would like to think she'd give cherries another chance....

Nut Fat

What a fun discovery. The natural fat that is in almonds is good for your heart. Wow two fun discoveries in one week, fat free hotdogs a few days back, and now the natural fat that is in almonds being good for you. Kinda makes you want to sit down at our dinner table huh?

Dating Myself....

Often while putting ideas down I find that I end up "dating myself" frequently by naming old time experiences, old prices, sizes, and just ways of doing things. I really like the generation that I've grown up in, what else can I say.

Arm Signal's

While driving home I was thinking about folks using or not using turn signals. I like to use arm signals alot, I like to wave my arm around in the air enjoying the breeze, funnel the air in various directions, play the air guitar, beat my thumb on the car to a beat on the radio, and just generally feel the air blowing through my fingers. I find myself not using a turn signal if I'm in the turn lane as it should be obvious, shouldn't it? If I'm changing lanes or turning in a position that doesn't involve or effect anyone else I usually don't use a signal. Man this seems to piss some folks off, more reason not to use... I do however use a turn signal if it does involve another car. I really don't know why I'm stingy with using signals. When I'm on my way home or on a lonely road where I'm the only vehicle for miles around, using a signal now, isn't that the same as if a tree falls in a forest if there's no one around does it make any noise. Does someone experience joy from knowing that I used my signal?
OK, I will try to use my signals more

Hotdog Burrito's

I've been on a diet for too long, that's my only answer. Lon found some fat free all beef hotdogs that were on sale, need I say more? Only 45 calories! Life's simple pleasures....
For dinner tonight, Lon and I had my wonderful "hotdog burrito's" once again. Using fat free tortilla's, fat free refried beans and our new find fat free hotdogs. Pretty good with salsa too.

May Daze

This weekend should be a very fun time.
Camping out with friends and
dancing to great jam bands.
Here's the site:
http://maydaze.net

You've Got To Hold Your Mouth Right

My grandmother who liked to be called mom, died when I was only 10 years old, but I had spent alot of time with her growing up and loved her dearly. I remember her making chocolate goodies, and us playing with the ducks in her back yard by the swing. The fact that she lived in San Francisco and had ducks and chickens was pretty cool. She was wonderful with baby birds and raised lots of them; one particular one named Skippy a parakeet that was very tame spoke more words than you'd think possible. While holding your arm over the sink, Skippy would run up and down ruffling his feathers taking a shower. Very cute. Mom painted lots of landscapes using oils. Most of the paintings were of the twisted trees by the coast. Mom was always making something or working on something. Lot's of needlepoint, but mostly painting. One of the expressions she would say was, "you've got to hold your mouth right", when trying to accomplish something. I find myself trying to do something and become aware of my facial expression and remember my grandmother and smile.

Crossed And Not Giving A Rip

WOW,
I was actually crossing my legs this afternoon, I haven't been able to do this activity for a very long time due to my weight.
I then proceeded to change left over right and right over left and back again.
What a wonderful feeling. I must have looked strange to passer by's but I don't give a rip what others think. Yes!
My diet is working,
coolness

Favorite chocolate

An interesting topic to me.
White chocolate, dark chocolate, milk chocolate, cocoa; then there is chocolate with other things that inhance the flavor like; chocolate with nuts, caramel, or marshmallows; and cookies, cakes, truffles, ice cream, etc..
Too many to list here, but what a hard choice.
I don't know as if I can honestly only list one type here, so I will just say......
milk chocolate.
I am reminded of the hershey kiss shaped street lights that we saw while driving through Hershey Pennsylvania, it was very fun to see those.

Superstitions

After thinking about Friday the 13th, while putting laundry away my mind started thinking back about my dad and his ways. I giggled because my dad was so very superstitious. Now in all fairness, both of my folks were born before 1909, so superstitions were very plentiful back then.
We'd be in our car at a railroad crossing, and he would prevent me from counting the box cars, telling me that it was bad luck to do so. Don't dare step on a crack or you'd break your mother's back. Come to think of it both my folks threw a pinch of salt over their shoulder several times that I can remember. Thinking about hotels without a 13th floor, airports without a 13th aisle, or 13th seat, does that mean that the 14th really is the 13th?

Friday The 13th

My mom was born on a Friday the 13th, and it was always good luck for her. In fact I've always had fun happy good fortune type things happen on this day. Even though I was born on the 10th of the month, I have always bathed in the luckiness from mom's birthdate. I guess I never have really looked upon it as being dangerous or bad luck to anticipate some ill will of sorts occurring. Just another holiday to have fun with.
Paraskevidekatriaphobics, this is the phobia of Friday the 13th. I researched this a bit and found that it was mostly based on a history of bad religious things occurring; Eve tempted Adam with the apple, the flood in the bible, the confusion at the Tower of Babel, Christ died on the 13th, 13 were present at the last supper. Friday came to be called Witches Sabbath, for it was believed that there were 12 witches and the 13th one was the devil, 13 evil spirits up to no good.
It even goes back farther; In Norse mythology there were 13 present at the banquet of Valhalla when the son of Odin was slain, which led to the downfall of the gods. 1000 BC Hesiod wrote that the thirteenth day is unlucky for sowing, but favorable for planting.
Some folks won't drive, work, set a wedding date, or eat in restaurants on this date.
This superstition has intrigued me a bit, when fairly intellectual folks get crazy over this. I guess you just have to have fun with it. Shucks, no more friday the 13th's for 2005.
I think I'll drive to town, plan a fun summer party, get some work done, and go celebrate by bobbing for apples and enjoy a good meal at a nice restaurant.

Yeah Right

In one of my jobs, nursing, it's time for our newly hired boss to get her evaluation, or summed up by her boss. Everyone has been submitting info like mad as there really are alot of issues "terrible is as terrible does". Now her boss wants names attached to the complaints or input. I don't think so, as if nothing is done (most likely) and there is your name sitting there, life as you know it would be hell. So why do I bother submitting issues if nothing will be done, maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I keep hoping that the right thing is done. If we're stuck with her, maybe she can improve. Maybe by the shear number of complaints (and I know there are at least close to 40 ) oh well. How do folks of this ilk keep getting promoted or hired, and good people passed over?
I know I know. I have a few days off now thankfully. I think I'll go play outside.

Mother's Day

Today was a fun day to have to work at the hospital. I work in obstetrics where "new mom's are made", and it was very fun wishing them for the first time Happy Mother's Day!

Zappa

I had a Frank Zappa tune in my head for most of the day yesterday.
Most times that can be a very bad thing having a tune in your head played over and over, but Zappa has a way of drenching your thoughts in a most splendid way.
I miss Frank Zappa, what a talent he was. No one is even trying to copy his type of music, but could they....

Springtime In The Rockies....

Last week we had another springtime snow storm which brought much needed water to our area. With all of the fire dangers and evacuations that we've had to do in past years, we are very happy to see these wet storms that really soak into the ground.
This week the snow is pretty much gone and my flowers are starting to come up. I had planted alot of bulbs last fall and it's fun watching them coming up. Now I just need to ward off the deer and critters from eating them. I'm also wanting to plant a vegetable garden this year. Last year I didn't because of my motorcycle accident, but I'm fine now and plan to plant away soon. It should help my dieting having fresh lettuce and spinach and the like coming up to add to our salads.
I just love spending time outside working in my flower beds, it's my solitude.

Sap For Foolery

My son pulled quite the April Fool's Gag on me yesterday. Had me going strong until he called me and said that phrase that we all know so well, "April Fool's!"

Even when I knew it was April Fool's Day and had played a gag on my daughter! Took me a bit of time, but then remembered how only the year before both kids got dad and I good with yet another April Fool's joke.

I'll be ready next year....

My Son's Birthday!

Today is my son's 21st birthday, and we can't all be together to celebrate. Boo. We'll just have to celebrate the next time that he comes home. We'll have a few drinks of Bourbon, and some cake.
(diet note; I'll watch the cake be eaten and splurge on the bourbon)

More Kitchen Room....

Sticking to a diet really sucks, but the rewards have been wonderful. My knees stopped hurting, with less weight to carry around I guess.

At work my friends told me that my face looked thinner,
at home my husband told me that my butt looked smaller,
and my daughter told me that I don't take up as much space in the kitchen.

Now those are quite the compliments, I love them!

I still have a ways to go....