Selecting A Mate At "The Man Store"

My husband announced to me that he has been unhappy for the last 20 years, and was leaving me. (This was the first I learned of this) There was no discussion, explaination, nor arguement just those cold words that I replay in my head, "Jan, I'm leaving you". He said it like a mantra like he was trying to convince himself as well. Telling me that he had an appointment to get to in 10 minutes and couldn't stay, was a bit too staged, but what was I to do. I was in shock, not understanding left crying with my head spinning.

A bit of history here, approximately 10 years ago, he had an affair short lived but non the less an affair, and when I learned of it he cried, telling me how sorry he was and professed his undying love for me. It took a long time for us to work this through and for me to begin trusting him again, but I finally did. Getting a counselor was discussed, but I felt like we had worked through it on our own adequately. Me being the one that was wronged here to make that decision.

Our 25th wedding anniversary is Oct. 12th, tomorrow. I think I deserve a little more compassion than what he has showed me. He likes to tell friends how we separated, instead of how he was so very deceitful going behind my back, and had to be told by another friend how he needs to tell me, this was said to him while he was introducing her to this friend. That he owes me that, being that we have been married for so long. He left me worried sick after the drug bust not hearing from him, thinking the worst that he got into another car accident falling asleep at the wheel.

This bitch being the founder of a center that offers various therapys such as channeling, stone, and is a "holistic healer" herself etc., knowing that he was a married man was very unethical in having the affair with him.

He should have told me he wanted to separate, then after a legal separation or divorce carry on a relationship with someone else if that's what he wanted to do. Not before. He tells me how he feels he's getting back to his good spirituality and good energy, karma or whatever, and that she is helping him attain this. How can he see this as anything of a good spirituality or energy when they were both so deceitful going behind my back with all of the lies and affair. I found out that he also introduced her to our daughter telling her not to tell mom, during the time that I didn't know about the affair, while he was still coming home to me.

A side note of all this; the bitch has two adoptive teenager daughters 13 and 14 I think. To have a man that she has only known a week or two at the time, move in as a lover sure is teaching these young girls a wonderful lesson here. She should have these children removed from her. To subject her girls to a man that she really doesn't know, frightening. He's a good man, but she doesn't really know that, well used to be. I'm still strongly considering reporting her ass for being so unethical.

He also has been addicted to speed, something that he refuses to acknowledge. He tells me that he only uses it "medicinally". Using these drugs among other problems has caused him to lose a wonderful job, having gotten busted while at work. He needs to admit that he has a problem and get into a drug rehab program. Using these drugs caused alot of turmoil in our relationship, as I hated him using speed. He would get very irritable, short tempered, and his perspective of how or what was said was squewed. I always tried to be positive and hope that he would eventually stop his drug use, something that never happened.

He promised me that he would honor my request to not have this bitch in our house. He not only brought her to our home, he gave her a tour. I had a friend changing the locks, something that my counselor had suggested, and he came on a day that he knew that I was working and wouldn't be home. He gave her a 45 minute tour, my friend that was changing the locks told me how he overheard him saying, "this is my heritage", "these are mine", "this was my father's", as he showed her through the house. I find this interesting especially when he made the comment about our home only being about attaining stuff, not about love. He also started taking things, which my friend I'm sorry got in the middle of this, said hey you shouldn't take stuff without Jan here.

He tells me of how he will help me with the mortgage, but he hasn't worked since he got busted at work for drugs. This I will reserve judgement on to see how it shakes out, hopefully he will help some.

Not working, he goes out to expensive restaurants, (this I learned seeing the bank statement) and just enjoying his time with this bitch. When he was home, we were working our butts off trying to get caught up on bills. We did get caught up on our bills, and I saw light at the end of the tunnel, so much for that.

I guess I'm starting to move into the realization that he won't be coming back, not being interested in marriage counseling. We never were at a juncture to even discuss it, he moved right to the announcement.

I am very angry over learning that he tells me how unhappy he was especially for so long, and when I ask him why he didn't tell me or leave back then, he tells me that he tried to tell me, but I wouldn't listen. I would have heard that, please. Also about why he didn't leave, he tells me he stayed out of inertia. How selfish of him, for me to think that I had a loving man that was my partner in life, not be honest with me so I could have moved on to possibly be with someone who would truly love and appreciate me. We would have arguements, but we had good times too. His hindsight now of only seeing the downside with the perspective of the bitch, isn't helping things.

I have always been one to view life as a one shot deal. Enjoy it to the max, this being said, if I were unhappy, I'd do something about it. I just don't understand his thinking here.

I feel he is having a mid life crisis, as alot of our friends feel as well, and add that they don't think it'll last much more than 6 months with this bitch. I'm told that she doesn't want him to work, that she will take care of him. He has been driving her newer cars around, not needing our junk shitboxes to drive. We'll see how that shakes out, will she help pay my mortgage for him? Or his lawyer?

A friend wrote back to me with these thoughts:

It may not feel like it now, but maybe it’s time for you to move on, too. How many other ways are you going to leave yourself open for him. You must protect yourself financially, emotionally, physically, and every other way you could imagine. Let her support him. Enjoy that she gets a broken-down man who could crap on the person closest to him. When selecting a mate, if you went to the“man store”, is that the kind of guy you’d choose? Me either. Not the qualities I’d choose for someone close to me. Let’s see some other traits he’s shown her: he’s willing to lie to his life-long mate and his daughter and to the world. He’s in love until something better (in his opinion) comes along. He betrays and stays around even when unhappy, meaning he didn’t have the guts to get out of a bad marriage (if it was actually so bad). He has no loyalty to the person who stuck by HIM during even the bad times. He didn’t give the two of you the opportunity to fix all that was wrong (in his opinion) in your marriage. He was so good at his deception that you weren't given the clues that something was wrong. Do you get where I’m going here? SHE DESERVES HIM! And most important, you don’t deserve all the crap they are dishing to you.