With all of the drama going on with L**, drinking, depression, desperation, everyone being pissed at him, his soulmate having kicked his ass out, his stuff thrown into a storage place, no where to stay, no real job, still in the diversion program, drug testing etc etc.
He needs to do some real soul searching. For him to be feeling sorry for himself is understandable, but don't drag it out. Recognize it and deal.
I recognize that he needs rescuing again. I can't do this, so I have notified his sister and let her know what's been happening to the best of my knowledge. I am transferring 'the reins' to her / his family to watch over him now. I have been covering for him probably being the worst enabler for years. But also rescued him repeatedly. His anxiety attacks were pretty trippy alone.
It would be nice to think he would actually figure his shit out for himself.
Everyone must remember how he has always been good at manipulation and the telling of half truths twisting the real truth. To everyone, beware.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Bud
Today was/is my dad's birthday when he was alive. To me it's still his 'day', and I always find myself thinking about him. [ Pictures to be added later, I'm not at home now.]
When Bud was a young man growing up in Tennessee, with his mom and brothers Emerald and Selwyn, and sister Georgia, his father (my grandfather) left his mother(my grandmother). So Bud (Jamie) being the oldest son (Aunt Georgia was the oldest),found himself supporting his mother and family growing up faster than most I guess.
Bud used to work in a lumber mill working very hard, working in very labor intensive type jobs. I remember seeing pictures of him as a young guy, pretty damn good looking if you ask me. It's as though he 'worked out' all of the time in his work ;)
Buddy was a great story teller. I grew up with such wonderful stories of the crank, a big gigantic bird that preyed on little children and was always associated with kids having to walk through a dense forest and be confronted with this crank in different type situations. Or the pink and blue pills that made you invisible and you could carry big watermelons out of stores without detection. I can still picture the watermelons floating in thin air as he had described them as being seen by the folks around us. His imagination was incredible, and he was very witty and quick thinking. I was surprised a bit learning how some friends were only read to, I was so very lucky to have my dad make up stuff from his incredible imagination and it went in so many directions without boundary's.
While waiting for mom to do her shopping in the grocery store, we'd wait for her out in the car, and he would test us with our vision. He was like a hawk. He would ask us to read something very far away or test us in looking at something very far away, he could see it very clearly, his vision was tremendous.
My dad however was very superstitious. I wonder if this is something ingrained in you if you ever live in the south. When we would be stopped at a railroad crossing, he wouldn't let me count the railroad cars, telling me it was bad luck, and he was serious.
He also drove taxi in SF for 25 years, he chain smoked but quit when the surgeon general came out with the dangers of smoking. He quit cold turkey. As a kid in school, all of the Father's Day presents that the teacher would help us make were ash trays and stuff and I couldn't make those. While driving taxi, he would take me on all of the fun steep streets of San Fran and it was as though he was taking me on an amusement ride. I still remember being thrown out of my seat giggling with laughter. No seat belts back then. When I was learning how to drive, he made me have to pass 'his' test before I could drive. At the time, I hated it, but now am very happy, as I basically learned defensive driving to the max. Knowing how to pull trailers etc.
I also remember hanging out with my dad while he'd take the car in to be serviced. I would stay in the car while it was pumped up into the air so they could work under neath it. Can't do that anymore, but what fun times. I would peer out over the whole garage seeing stuff from that perspective that only I could see. In alot of ways it was like being in my tree house.
He was excellent at shooting and bow and arrow. He was expert in shooting, and he would compete with a hunting bow with others that used precision bows and he would win many competitions. I was there and he would hoist me up on his shoulders. Bud made me very proud. Bud taught me all the techniques of proper stance et all with the bow, and I got to be pretty good too. Bud also showed me how to fill bullet shells, and we would spend hours doing this. He had quite the collection of guns and rifles, but in later life he started whittling on them which was sad to see. While he was in his right mind, he did seem to lose some of his sharpness in later years. My dad was a very strong, big guy that people listened to. He was also a very honest man with integrity. A handshake of agreement actually meant something back in those days. Taking someone at their word. How I wish he were still alive to know his grandchildren, he'd be so very proud of them as well, and they him.
We lived in San Francisco for many years, where my dad worked in security of some sort patrolling the Golden Gate Bridge. I do think this was when he was in the Merchant Marines.
Later we lived on a ranch and we had horses and cattle. I loved it during my teen years and grew up loving animals. I was given the choice of helping inside with dishes and other inside chores, or to help Bud work outside fixing fence and feeding the horses, goats, cattle and chickens. It was a real working ranch in many ways. Well that was an easy choice for me. I would spend hours outside with my dad and the animals. A very special time in my life.
Buddy was in the service, I was a little girl when many of the stories related to this time were told, so don't remember alot of his war stories. I do enjoy looking through his scrap books of pictures of his medals and with him in uniform, with his buddies. He was in Korea, the Philippines and was stationed up in Alaska for a time. He was in the Navy and later in the Merchant Marines, do they exist anymore? When he was stationed in Alaska, he would cut records that he made while playing in bars passing the hat, telling his mom how he and the boys were having a great time and not to worry, and sing and play a song. I have these records and want to copy them. He wanted to join the service again after leaving the service but they said he was too old. My dad was always a strong determined person, hard on the outside, by that I mean he scared the shit out of alot of folks, me included in some ways. But he had a soft heart and was very gentle and loving to his family. I look at his journals, poems and photo albums of him with his friends and try to imagine what it was like for him.
My dad was very talented with playing the mandolin, and a few other instruments. What was sad is that we only have a few recordings of his playing during his prime, (I need to get them copied), but most of his recordings, are when he lost his hearing, and his playing really deteriorated. Bud was also very artistic. He would draw cartoon characters on duffel bags for guys in the service and did cartooning for fun. I remember how he drew a big Indian with a tomahawk in the bedroom full size coming right at you. He also loved puzzles, especially cryptoquotes, a deciphering game kind of.
I miss him dearly, but often think of him. Most of my memories with him was when I was a little girl, as he started slowing down when I was an adult. How I wish I could have enjoyed a beer with him and talked of real substance type topics.
While I have many good memories, there were also some bad ones too. I have forgiven him for those times, and have moved on. All families have this, the good with the bad, get over it, and I have.
I don't remember him ever being afraid of anything except....Spiders. Ha ha. When he was a very old guy already retired for several years, he whipped off the covers while in bed having felt/finding a spider had crawled across his legs and freaked out. For a long time after he spent telling us how big the spider was. The spider kept getting bigger with every retelling, ;) Other than that nothing scared him.
Here's to you Buddy.....I love you
When Bud was a young man growing up in Tennessee, with his mom and brothers Emerald and Selwyn, and sister Georgia, his father (my grandfather) left his mother(my grandmother). So Bud (Jamie) being the oldest son (Aunt Georgia was the oldest),found himself supporting his mother and family growing up faster than most I guess.
Bud used to work in a lumber mill working very hard, working in very labor intensive type jobs. I remember seeing pictures of him as a young guy, pretty damn good looking if you ask me. It's as though he 'worked out' all of the time in his work ;)
Buddy was a great story teller. I grew up with such wonderful stories of the crank, a big gigantic bird that preyed on little children and was always associated with kids having to walk through a dense forest and be confronted with this crank in different type situations. Or the pink and blue pills that made you invisible and you could carry big watermelons out of stores without detection. I can still picture the watermelons floating in thin air as he had described them as being seen by the folks around us. His imagination was incredible, and he was very witty and quick thinking. I was surprised a bit learning how some friends were only read to, I was so very lucky to have my dad make up stuff from his incredible imagination and it went in so many directions without boundary's.
While waiting for mom to do her shopping in the grocery store, we'd wait for her out in the car, and he would test us with our vision. He was like a hawk. He would ask us to read something very far away or test us in looking at something very far away, he could see it very clearly, his vision was tremendous.
My dad however was very superstitious. I wonder if this is something ingrained in you if you ever live in the south. When we would be stopped at a railroad crossing, he wouldn't let me count the railroad cars, telling me it was bad luck, and he was serious.
He also drove taxi in SF for 25 years, he chain smoked but quit when the surgeon general came out with the dangers of smoking. He quit cold turkey. As a kid in school, all of the Father's Day presents that the teacher would help us make were ash trays and stuff and I couldn't make those. While driving taxi, he would take me on all of the fun steep streets of San Fran and it was as though he was taking me on an amusement ride. I still remember being thrown out of my seat giggling with laughter. No seat belts back then. When I was learning how to drive, he made me have to pass 'his' test before I could drive. At the time, I hated it, but now am very happy, as I basically learned defensive driving to the max. Knowing how to pull trailers etc.
I also remember hanging out with my dad while he'd take the car in to be serviced. I would stay in the car while it was pumped up into the air so they could work under neath it. Can't do that anymore, but what fun times. I would peer out over the whole garage seeing stuff from that perspective that only I could see. In alot of ways it was like being in my tree house.
He was excellent at shooting and bow and arrow. He was expert in shooting, and he would compete with a hunting bow with others that used precision bows and he would win many competitions. I was there and he would hoist me up on his shoulders. Bud made me very proud. Bud taught me all the techniques of proper stance et all with the bow, and I got to be pretty good too. Bud also showed me how to fill bullet shells, and we would spend hours doing this. He had quite the collection of guns and rifles, but in later life he started whittling on them which was sad to see. While he was in his right mind, he did seem to lose some of his sharpness in later years. My dad was a very strong, big guy that people listened to. He was also a very honest man with integrity. A handshake of agreement actually meant something back in those days. Taking someone at their word. How I wish he were still alive to know his grandchildren, he'd be so very proud of them as well, and they him.
We lived in San Francisco for many years, where my dad worked in security of some sort patrolling the Golden Gate Bridge. I do think this was when he was in the Merchant Marines.
Later we lived on a ranch and we had horses and cattle. I loved it during my teen years and grew up loving animals. I was given the choice of helping inside with dishes and other inside chores, or to help Bud work outside fixing fence and feeding the horses, goats, cattle and chickens. It was a real working ranch in many ways. Well that was an easy choice for me. I would spend hours outside with my dad and the animals. A very special time in my life.
Buddy was in the service, I was a little girl when many of the stories related to this time were told, so don't remember alot of his war stories. I do enjoy looking through his scrap books of pictures of his medals and with him in uniform, with his buddies. He was in Korea, the Philippines and was stationed up in Alaska for a time. He was in the Navy and later in the Merchant Marines, do they exist anymore? When he was stationed in Alaska, he would cut records that he made while playing in bars passing the hat, telling his mom how he and the boys were having a great time and not to worry, and sing and play a song. I have these records and want to copy them. He wanted to join the service again after leaving the service but they said he was too old. My dad was always a strong determined person, hard on the outside, by that I mean he scared the shit out of alot of folks, me included in some ways. But he had a soft heart and was very gentle and loving to his family. I look at his journals, poems and photo albums of him with his friends and try to imagine what it was like for him.
My dad was very talented with playing the mandolin, and a few other instruments. What was sad is that we only have a few recordings of his playing during his prime, (I need to get them copied), but most of his recordings, are when he lost his hearing, and his playing really deteriorated. Bud was also very artistic. He would draw cartoon characters on duffel bags for guys in the service and did cartooning for fun. I remember how he drew a big Indian with a tomahawk in the bedroom full size coming right at you. He also loved puzzles, especially cryptoquotes, a deciphering game kind of.
I miss him dearly, but often think of him. Most of my memories with him was when I was a little girl, as he started slowing down when I was an adult. How I wish I could have enjoyed a beer with him and talked of real substance type topics.
While I have many good memories, there were also some bad ones too. I have forgiven him for those times, and have moved on. All families have this, the good with the bad, get over it, and I have.
I don't remember him ever being afraid of anything except....Spiders. Ha ha. When he was a very old guy already retired for several years, he whipped off the covers while in bed having felt/finding a spider had crawled across his legs and freaked out. For a long time after he spent telling us how big the spider was. The spider kept getting bigger with every retelling, ;) Other than that nothing scared him.
Here's to you Buddy.....I love you
Dixie Chicks
While I don't agree with much of their politics, I heard their recent song and it kind of fits my perspective. I know what their intention was but using my perspective and putting the right emphasis from who in place here it fits;
'Can't Make Nice Now'.
"Forgive sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting
I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying
I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go around and around and around
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should
I know you said
Can't you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it".
The Dixie Chicks.
In the back of one of their videos was the statement;
'Talking without thinking is like shooting without aiming'.
How true that is.
'Can't Make Nice Now'.
"Forgive sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting
I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying
I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go around and around and around
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should
I know you said
Can't you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it".
The Dixie Chicks.
In the back of one of their videos was the statement;
'Talking without thinking is like shooting without aiming'.
How true that is.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
There Is No "WE"
There is no "we'.
"We" don't need to talk, I've learned all I need to know. I am done. As I've said earlier, I don't need your drama. Interesting your timing, that only after your soulmate kicks your ass out do you want to talk.
You do however need to mail me the taxes, sign the quit deed correctly, sign the title correction paper, and get the pile of motorcycle parts and spotlights off the property. You have been in contempt of court for a very long time.
Besides coming to the property to remove these items, I don't want your sorry ass anywhere around me. Stay away from me. For all of the years I stood by you, took care of you, loved you, shared with you. For you to fuck around on me all throughout our marriage, lie to me constantly while looking me right in the face, you are not the person I thought you were. I don't know who you are, except that I know you aren't the caliber person that I would want to have anything to do with.
How dare you do this routine with me. I can see right through you. Leave me alone, and stay far away from me.
Hell, move back to New York, there is nothing holding you back here except for transferring your drug rehab program.
"We" don't need to talk, I've learned all I need to know. I am done. As I've said earlier, I don't need your drama. Interesting your timing, that only after your soulmate kicks your ass out do you want to talk.
You do however need to mail me the taxes, sign the quit deed correctly, sign the title correction paper, and get the pile of motorcycle parts and spotlights off the property. You have been in contempt of court for a very long time.
Besides coming to the property to remove these items, I don't want your sorry ass anywhere around me. Stay away from me. For all of the years I stood by you, took care of you, loved you, shared with you. For you to fuck around on me all throughout our marriage, lie to me constantly while looking me right in the face, you are not the person I thought you were. I don't know who you are, except that I know you aren't the caliber person that I would want to have anything to do with.
How dare you do this routine with me. I can see right through you. Leave me alone, and stay far away from me.
Hell, move back to New York, there is nothing holding you back here except for transferring your drug rehab program.
Monday, June 12, 2006
Gold Diggers
Gold diggers are an interesting breed, and that's putting it mildly.
It's sickening how some folks seem to be oblivious to being "had". That they think or want to feel that they are actually being loved and/or cared about. To falsely be made to think that the other person actually cares for them, that the fact that they will be coming into a great deal of money has nothing to do with it. Yeah right. But instead are being fed a line of shit.
To then be taken advantage of emotionally probably, but taken advantage of financially in that it will effect my kids just kills me.
Wake up and smell the coffee. Sigh. While you may feel you are "soul mates" or so "in love", it's not a stretch to think that the other person only is sticking around because of your "money potential". Especially while knowing that she has known from the very beginning. She knew your cousin 15 years ago and that the family had money back then, don't fool yourself. Take a step back and really look at what her attraction is to you, regardless of your feelings toward her.
A pre nuptual only takes care of the money you bring into a marriage, not if you get money and wealth dropped into your lap after you're married. And that's even if you get a prenuptual. Is it possible for you to consider creating some type of will and or testament to ensure that the kids get their share, rather than seeing it disappear being taken by this gold digger? The kids and most other folks see this very clearly, it seems everyone but you.
To see how in less than a year, this person has gotten her grip around your financial future and stands to get alot of money just kills me. To think of how she ended up with such a big house and all the trimmings from her probable break up a few years back, and learn how her business is done, at least online, and now how she is suing a local business to try and get money, you are out of your mind.
I would like to think you haven't lost all of your marbles, please look at securing your children's financial future by getting something legally set up to protect them and their inheritance. You seem to have been choosing her over your own children. Really look at why your kids have been upset with the way you've been acting/thinking. Your children want to love you (I believe), but you need to snap out of this if you want to have any relationship with them. I'm out of the loop, I'm truly just looking out for the kids future.
Hey it may be a way to also see if this gold digger sticks around to just be with you. Take this challenge, I hope you have the guts to actually look into this.
It's sickening how some folks seem to be oblivious to being "had". That they think or want to feel that they are actually being loved and/or cared about. To falsely be made to think that the other person actually cares for them, that the fact that they will be coming into a great deal of money has nothing to do with it. Yeah right. But instead are being fed a line of shit.
To then be taken advantage of emotionally probably, but taken advantage of financially in that it will effect my kids just kills me.
Wake up and smell the coffee. Sigh. While you may feel you are "soul mates" or so "in love", it's not a stretch to think that the other person only is sticking around because of your "money potential". Especially while knowing that she has known from the very beginning. She knew your cousin 15 years ago and that the family had money back then, don't fool yourself. Take a step back and really look at what her attraction is to you, regardless of your feelings toward her.
A pre nuptual only takes care of the money you bring into a marriage, not if you get money and wealth dropped into your lap after you're married. And that's even if you get a prenuptual. Is it possible for you to consider creating some type of will and or testament to ensure that the kids get their share, rather than seeing it disappear being taken by this gold digger? The kids and most other folks see this very clearly, it seems everyone but you.
To see how in less than a year, this person has gotten her grip around your financial future and stands to get alot of money just kills me. To think of how she ended up with such a big house and all the trimmings from her probable break up a few years back, and learn how her business is done, at least online, and now how she is suing a local business to try and get money, you are out of your mind.
I would like to think you haven't lost all of your marbles, please look at securing your children's financial future by getting something legally set up to protect them and their inheritance. You seem to have been choosing her over your own children. Really look at why your kids have been upset with the way you've been acting/thinking. Your children want to love you (I believe), but you need to snap out of this if you want to have any relationship with them. I'm out of the loop, I'm truly just looking out for the kids future.
Hey it may be a way to also see if this gold digger sticks around to just be with you. Take this challenge, I hope you have the guts to actually look into this.
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