Well I've learned today how L** has been making advances to other women over the years. I just got an email from a friend telling me.
How I was so blind to all of this, just kills me. Another friend also told me of advances made by L** to another woman. And a third woman also with the same story. In a way verifying each other's stories.
It was said to L** and the bitch about how can you build a relationship out of shards of broken rubble ashes and debris. Well they deserve each other. Both have been so damn deceitful, telling nothing but lies. I am truly done here.
Here's the e-mail that I received just this morning:
Jan, I love you and please call me. Any night you're up late, I get home about 11:15 PM. I'd like to see you and be your friend through this. Drugs warp people's minds and now that I work as a 911 operator, I hear daily with the fall-out of crystal meth - it destroys brains and lives. Stop blaming yourself.
In 1985 when I bought my condo and L** came over to advise me about how to rough in a basement bathroom, he grabbed me from behind and started kissing my neck and groping my breasts. I was shocked. I pulled away and told him in no uncertain terms that I was not interested, that you were my friend.
He tried again on another occasion, after I was married, I think it was the summer of 1991. I do not believe he was any stranger to adultery even back then, he seemed morally quite comfortable with it. He let me know he was still interested if I ever changed my mind. I made it a point to never be alone with him after that.
So many times I thought about telling you. But I would see how happy you were, and what beautiful children you had, and did not want to cause you or your family pain. I'm only telling you because you obviously need to know this now. Stop blaming yourself. He was NEVER a faithful husband, he was a cheater from early on. Such men do not change. I'm sorry, but it is true. I'd like to be a better friend to you now, if you'll let me. I want to see you. Love, L***
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Selecting A Mate At "The Man Store"
My husband announced to me that he has been unhappy for the last 20 years, and was leaving me. (This was the first I learned of this) There was no discussion, explaination, nor arguement just those cold words that I replay in my head, "Jan, I'm leaving you". He said it like a mantra like he was trying to convince himself as well. Telling me that he had an appointment to get to in 10 minutes and couldn't stay, was a bit too staged, but what was I to do. I was in shock, not understanding left crying with my head spinning.
A bit of history here, approximately 10 years ago, he had an affair short lived but non the less an affair, and when I learned of it he cried, telling me how sorry he was and professed his undying love for me. It took a long time for us to work this through and for me to begin trusting him again, but I finally did. Getting a counselor was discussed, but I felt like we had worked through it on our own adequately. Me being the one that was wronged here to make that decision.
Our 25th wedding anniversary is Oct. 12th, tomorrow. I think I deserve a little more compassion than what he has showed me. He likes to tell friends how we separated, instead of how he was so very deceitful going behind my back, and had to be told by another friend how he needs to tell me, this was said to him while he was introducing her to this friend. That he owes me that, being that we have been married for so long. He left me worried sick after the drug bust not hearing from him, thinking the worst that he got into another car accident falling asleep at the wheel.
This bitch being the founder of a center that offers various therapys such as channeling, stone, and is a "holistic healer" herself etc., knowing that he was a married man was very unethical in having the affair with him.
He should have told me he wanted to separate, then after a legal separation or divorce carry on a relationship with someone else if that's what he wanted to do. Not before. He tells me how he feels he's getting back to his good spirituality and good energy, karma or whatever, and that she is helping him attain this. How can he see this as anything of a good spirituality or energy when they were both so deceitful going behind my back with all of the lies and affair. I found out that he also introduced her to our daughter telling her not to tell mom, during the time that I didn't know about the affair, while he was still coming home to me.
A side note of all this; the bitch has two adoptive teenager daughters 13 and 14 I think. To have a man that she has only known a week or two at the time, move in as a lover sure is teaching these young girls a wonderful lesson here. She should have these children removed from her. To subject her girls to a man that she really doesn't know, frightening. He's a good man, but she doesn't really know that, well used to be. I'm still strongly considering reporting her ass for being so unethical.
He also has been addicted to speed, something that he refuses to acknowledge. He tells me that he only uses it "medicinally". Using these drugs among other problems has caused him to lose a wonderful job, having gotten busted while at work. He needs to admit that he has a problem and get into a drug rehab program. Using these drugs caused alot of turmoil in our relationship, as I hated him using speed. He would get very irritable, short tempered, and his perspective of how or what was said was squewed. I always tried to be positive and hope that he would eventually stop his drug use, something that never happened.
He promised me that he would honor my request to not have this bitch in our house. He not only brought her to our home, he gave her a tour. I had a friend changing the locks, something that my counselor had suggested, and he came on a day that he knew that I was working and wouldn't be home. He gave her a 45 minute tour, my friend that was changing the locks told me how he overheard him saying, "this is my heritage", "these are mine", "this was my father's", as he showed her through the house. I find this interesting especially when he made the comment about our home only being about attaining stuff, not about love. He also started taking things, which my friend I'm sorry got in the middle of this, said hey you shouldn't take stuff without Jan here.
He tells me of how he will help me with the mortgage, but he hasn't worked since he got busted at work for drugs. This I will reserve judgement on to see how it shakes out, hopefully he will help some.
Not working, he goes out to expensive restaurants, (this I learned seeing the bank statement) and just enjoying his time with this bitch. When he was home, we were working our butts off trying to get caught up on bills. We did get caught up on our bills, and I saw light at the end of the tunnel, so much for that.
I guess I'm starting to move into the realization that he won't be coming back, not being interested in marriage counseling. We never were at a juncture to even discuss it, he moved right to the announcement.
I am very angry over learning that he tells me how unhappy he was especially for so long, and when I ask him why he didn't tell me or leave back then, he tells me that he tried to tell me, but I wouldn't listen. I would have heard that, please. Also about why he didn't leave, he tells me he stayed out of inertia. How selfish of him, for me to think that I had a loving man that was my partner in life, not be honest with me so I could have moved on to possibly be with someone who would truly love and appreciate me. We would have arguements, but we had good times too. His hindsight now of only seeing the downside with the perspective of the bitch, isn't helping things.
I have always been one to view life as a one shot deal. Enjoy it to the max, this being said, if I were unhappy, I'd do something about it. I just don't understand his thinking here.
I feel he is having a mid life crisis, as alot of our friends feel as well, and add that they don't think it'll last much more than 6 months with this bitch. I'm told that she doesn't want him to work, that she will take care of him. He has been driving her newer cars around, not needing our junk shitboxes to drive. We'll see how that shakes out, will she help pay my mortgage for him? Or his lawyer?
A friend wrote back to me with these thoughts:
It may not feel like it now, but maybe it’s time for you to move on, too. How many other ways are you going to leave yourself open for him. You must protect yourself financially, emotionally, physically, and every other way you could imagine. Let her support him. Enjoy that she gets a broken-down man who could crap on the person closest to him. When selecting a mate, if you went to the“man store”, is that the kind of guy you’d choose? Me either. Not the qualities I’d choose for someone close to me. Let’s see some other traits he’s shown her: he’s willing to lie to his life-long mate and his daughter and to the world. He’s in love until something better (in his opinion) comes along. He betrays and stays around even when unhappy, meaning he didn’t have the guts to get out of a bad marriage (if it was actually so bad). He has no loyalty to the person who stuck by HIM during even the bad times. He didn’t give the two of you the opportunity to fix all that was wrong (in his opinion) in your marriage. He was so good at his deception that you weren't given the clues that something was wrong. Do you get where I’m going here? SHE DESERVES HIM! And most important, you don’t deserve all the crap they are dishing to you.
A bit of history here, approximately 10 years ago, he had an affair short lived but non the less an affair, and when I learned of it he cried, telling me how sorry he was and professed his undying love for me. It took a long time for us to work this through and for me to begin trusting him again, but I finally did. Getting a counselor was discussed, but I felt like we had worked through it on our own adequately. Me being the one that was wronged here to make that decision.
Our 25th wedding anniversary is Oct. 12th, tomorrow. I think I deserve a little more compassion than what he has showed me. He likes to tell friends how we separated, instead of how he was so very deceitful going behind my back, and had to be told by another friend how he needs to tell me, this was said to him while he was introducing her to this friend. That he owes me that, being that we have been married for so long. He left me worried sick after the drug bust not hearing from him, thinking the worst that he got into another car accident falling asleep at the wheel.
This bitch being the founder of a center that offers various therapys such as channeling, stone, and is a "holistic healer" herself etc., knowing that he was a married man was very unethical in having the affair with him.
He should have told me he wanted to separate, then after a legal separation or divorce carry on a relationship with someone else if that's what he wanted to do. Not before. He tells me how he feels he's getting back to his good spirituality and good energy, karma or whatever, and that she is helping him attain this. How can he see this as anything of a good spirituality or energy when they were both so deceitful going behind my back with all of the lies and affair. I found out that he also introduced her to our daughter telling her not to tell mom, during the time that I didn't know about the affair, while he was still coming home to me.
A side note of all this; the bitch has two adoptive teenager daughters 13 and 14 I think. To have a man that she has only known a week or two at the time, move in as a lover sure is teaching these young girls a wonderful lesson here. She should have these children removed from her. To subject her girls to a man that she really doesn't know, frightening. He's a good man, but she doesn't really know that, well used to be. I'm still strongly considering reporting her ass for being so unethical.
He also has been addicted to speed, something that he refuses to acknowledge. He tells me that he only uses it "medicinally". Using these drugs among other problems has caused him to lose a wonderful job, having gotten busted while at work. He needs to admit that he has a problem and get into a drug rehab program. Using these drugs caused alot of turmoil in our relationship, as I hated him using speed. He would get very irritable, short tempered, and his perspective of how or what was said was squewed. I always tried to be positive and hope that he would eventually stop his drug use, something that never happened.
He promised me that he would honor my request to not have this bitch in our house. He not only brought her to our home, he gave her a tour. I had a friend changing the locks, something that my counselor had suggested, and he came on a day that he knew that I was working and wouldn't be home. He gave her a 45 minute tour, my friend that was changing the locks told me how he overheard him saying, "this is my heritage", "these are mine", "this was my father's", as he showed her through the house. I find this interesting especially when he made the comment about our home only being about attaining stuff, not about love. He also started taking things, which my friend I'm sorry got in the middle of this, said hey you shouldn't take stuff without Jan here.
He tells me of how he will help me with the mortgage, but he hasn't worked since he got busted at work for drugs. This I will reserve judgement on to see how it shakes out, hopefully he will help some.
Not working, he goes out to expensive restaurants, (this I learned seeing the bank statement) and just enjoying his time with this bitch. When he was home, we were working our butts off trying to get caught up on bills. We did get caught up on our bills, and I saw light at the end of the tunnel, so much for that.
I guess I'm starting to move into the realization that he won't be coming back, not being interested in marriage counseling. We never were at a juncture to even discuss it, he moved right to the announcement.
I am very angry over learning that he tells me how unhappy he was especially for so long, and when I ask him why he didn't tell me or leave back then, he tells me that he tried to tell me, but I wouldn't listen. I would have heard that, please. Also about why he didn't leave, he tells me he stayed out of inertia. How selfish of him, for me to think that I had a loving man that was my partner in life, not be honest with me so I could have moved on to possibly be with someone who would truly love and appreciate me. We would have arguements, but we had good times too. His hindsight now of only seeing the downside with the perspective of the bitch, isn't helping things.
I have always been one to view life as a one shot deal. Enjoy it to the max, this being said, if I were unhappy, I'd do something about it. I just don't understand his thinking here.
I feel he is having a mid life crisis, as alot of our friends feel as well, and add that they don't think it'll last much more than 6 months with this bitch. I'm told that she doesn't want him to work, that she will take care of him. He has been driving her newer cars around, not needing our junk shitboxes to drive. We'll see how that shakes out, will she help pay my mortgage for him? Or his lawyer?
A friend wrote back to me with these thoughts:
It may not feel like it now, but maybe it’s time for you to move on, too. How many other ways are you going to leave yourself open for him. You must protect yourself financially, emotionally, physically, and every other way you could imagine. Let her support him. Enjoy that she gets a broken-down man who could crap on the person closest to him. When selecting a mate, if you went to the“man store”, is that the kind of guy you’d choose? Me either. Not the qualities I’d choose for someone close to me. Let’s see some other traits he’s shown her: he’s willing to lie to his life-long mate and his daughter and to the world. He’s in love until something better (in his opinion) comes along. He betrays and stays around even when unhappy, meaning he didn’t have the guts to get out of a bad marriage (if it was actually so bad). He has no loyalty to the person who stuck by HIM during even the bad times. He didn’t give the two of you the opportunity to fix all that was wrong (in his opinion) in your marriage. He was so good at his deception that you weren't given the clues that something was wrong. Do you get where I’m going here? SHE DESERVES HIM! And most important, you don’t deserve all the crap they are dishing to you.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Frequency
There are several learned facets to speaking.
Men are raised with what can be called "dominance talking", using conversation to control, win debate, argue. Not just their speech, but their body language is noticeably aggressive. (Think "Foghorn Leghorn".) Content is far less important than pecking order.
Women are raised with "support talking", eliciting requests for emotional support and offering emotional support. Again, actual content is unimportant. (Think of the stereotypical gab fest.)
A third facet, common to both men and women is the content of their speech: data, emotional, or physical. This is both natural and learned.
"Data speech", is attempting to convey very accurate and specific information in a clear, concise, and ordered form as possible. It takes a great deal of focus on the part of both the speaker and the listener, and has severe limitations as far as accuracy goes.
"Emotional speech" attempts to convey broader lessons. It is far less accurate as far as data goes, instead idealizing events to clarify complex emotional lessons. Urban legends are the logical extreme of this.
"Physical speech" is less talking than a barrage of physical contact while talking. It is uncommon except with very physically-oriented people, who are trained against using it, as most other people interpret it as assault, rather than an effort at communication.
Here is an example at a track meet as told by an observer that I find interesting; frustrating lack-of-communication conversation between a physical guy, an emotional guy, and a data-oriented guy.
It was bizarre.The physical guy had run in a track meet.
The data guy asked him how it was. His answer was simplistic, and he acted it out, "Oh, we ran and ran and the other guys ran really hard and we ran and stuff!" The data guy was puzzled, and whipped out a bunch of statistical questions: who won? who was second place? what were their times? how many people were there?, etc.
The physical guy just looked at him painfully, with a "who cares?" expression on his face. He finally replied something like "I guess I won."So the data guy turned to the emotional guy and asked him about the race.
The emotional guy had been in the stands and talked about how exciting and thrilling it had been, with lots of emotional highs and lows, but "we" pulled through and won! Now it was the data guy's turn to be puzzled. Once again, he had no data to process, just subjective stuff. The emotional guy had no clue about the stats, but made some approximate guesses, which were unacceptable to the data guy.
Anyway, after watching this exchange, the three parted company, and I made it a point to talk to them alone. Each of the three expressed frustration that the other two didn't get the whole point of the race. For the runner it was the action, for the data guy it was the stats, and for the emotional guy it was for the thrill. I have seen better communication between people of different languages.
Another facet of speech is natural, what could be called "frequency". That is, a very 'buzzy' person has difficulty communicating with a very 'sluggish' person. The buzzy person tries to slow their own conversation down, and the sluggish person tries to speed theirs up. If the gap between the two is too great, they can't reach the same "frequency" and no communication happens.
Data, emotional, and physical communication have very different "frequency bands" in which they normally operate, and some people experience much difficulty jumping from one band to another. These, and other major natural and learned patterns of speech are very exclusive. Unless you are used to them, communication doesn't happen and you are faced with people you don't understand, apparently talking nonsense. Physical people often end up in jail, just for trying to say something.
So in looking or examining communication, it can be easy for one party to think that the other party understands or heard something in how it was said or meant to be understood, when it is entirely possible that they didn't.
Distraction falls into place here as well. Some feel like they can multi task, by this I mean; for one to read a paper, watch TV, and feel like they are listening is crazy. Often times the one talking starts getting distracted by looking at what the listener is looking at and forgets what the communication was about in the first place. Worse yet is when the listener interupts and says a quick retort of an outline almost of the content of the speakers intent, not always being accurate. Often times happening out of wanting a conversation to end. Very rude to say the least.
For someone to be on the same frequency and finish each others sentences, or being on the same plane of thought is wonderful. But to note the difference here of someone trying to insert a new idea or concept into a conversation not known to the listener yet needs to get the point across first, then to be on the same plane to finish each others thoughts in words as to discuss the new item brought up in the conversation.
Common courtesy of being a good listener and really caring what that person has to say speaks volumes.
This being said, when someone says how they have tried to tell someone something over many years but it was never understood, should have tried another frequency. As the listener doesn't realize that they are missing out on a potential important bit of news.
To be a good listener with patience, courtesy and understanding is a rarity. To be a good speaker on the right frequency knowing that you are understood I've learned now is a rarity as well.
Men are raised with what can be called "dominance talking", using conversation to control, win debate, argue. Not just their speech, but their body language is noticeably aggressive. (Think "Foghorn Leghorn".) Content is far less important than pecking order.
Women are raised with "support talking", eliciting requests for emotional support and offering emotional support. Again, actual content is unimportant. (Think of the stereotypical gab fest.)
A third facet, common to both men and women is the content of their speech: data, emotional, or physical. This is both natural and learned.
"Data speech", is attempting to convey very accurate and specific information in a clear, concise, and ordered form as possible. It takes a great deal of focus on the part of both the speaker and the listener, and has severe limitations as far as accuracy goes.
"Emotional speech" attempts to convey broader lessons. It is far less accurate as far as data goes, instead idealizing events to clarify complex emotional lessons. Urban legends are the logical extreme of this.
"Physical speech" is less talking than a barrage of physical contact while talking. It is uncommon except with very physically-oriented people, who are trained against using it, as most other people interpret it as assault, rather than an effort at communication.
Here is an example at a track meet as told by an observer that I find interesting; frustrating lack-of-communication conversation between a physical guy, an emotional guy, and a data-oriented guy.
It was bizarre.The physical guy had run in a track meet.
The data guy asked him how it was. His answer was simplistic, and he acted it out, "Oh, we ran and ran and the other guys ran really hard and we ran and stuff!" The data guy was puzzled, and whipped out a bunch of statistical questions: who won? who was second place? what were their times? how many people were there?, etc.
The physical guy just looked at him painfully, with a "who cares?" expression on his face. He finally replied something like "I guess I won."So the data guy turned to the emotional guy and asked him about the race.
The emotional guy had been in the stands and talked about how exciting and thrilling it had been, with lots of emotional highs and lows, but "we" pulled through and won! Now it was the data guy's turn to be puzzled. Once again, he had no data to process, just subjective stuff. The emotional guy had no clue about the stats, but made some approximate guesses, which were unacceptable to the data guy.
Anyway, after watching this exchange, the three parted company, and I made it a point to talk to them alone. Each of the three expressed frustration that the other two didn't get the whole point of the race. For the runner it was the action, for the data guy it was the stats, and for the emotional guy it was for the thrill. I have seen better communication between people of different languages.
Another facet of speech is natural, what could be called "frequency". That is, a very 'buzzy' person has difficulty communicating with a very 'sluggish' person. The buzzy person tries to slow their own conversation down, and the sluggish person tries to speed theirs up. If the gap between the two is too great, they can't reach the same "frequency" and no communication happens.
Data, emotional, and physical communication have very different "frequency bands" in which they normally operate, and some people experience much difficulty jumping from one band to another. These, and other major natural and learned patterns of speech are very exclusive. Unless you are used to them, communication doesn't happen and you are faced with people you don't understand, apparently talking nonsense. Physical people often end up in jail, just for trying to say something.
So in looking or examining communication, it can be easy for one party to think that the other party understands or heard something in how it was said or meant to be understood, when it is entirely possible that they didn't.
Distraction falls into place here as well. Some feel like they can multi task, by this I mean; for one to read a paper, watch TV, and feel like they are listening is crazy. Often times the one talking starts getting distracted by looking at what the listener is looking at and forgets what the communication was about in the first place. Worse yet is when the listener interupts and says a quick retort of an outline almost of the content of the speakers intent, not always being accurate. Often times happening out of wanting a conversation to end. Very rude to say the least.
For someone to be on the same frequency and finish each others sentences, or being on the same plane of thought is wonderful. But to note the difference here of someone trying to insert a new idea or concept into a conversation not known to the listener yet needs to get the point across first, then to be on the same plane to finish each others thoughts in words as to discuss the new item brought up in the conversation.
Common courtesy of being a good listener and really caring what that person has to say speaks volumes.
This being said, when someone says how they have tried to tell someone something over many years but it was never understood, should have tried another frequency. As the listener doesn't realize that they are missing out on a potential important bit of news.
To be a good listener with patience, courtesy and understanding is a rarity. To be a good speaker on the right frequency knowing that you are understood I've learned now is a rarity as well.
Sunday, October 02, 2005
A Faux Love
When I won your love, I was very glad
Every happiness in the world belonged to me
Then our love was lost and you went away
Now I shed my tears in lonely misery
I know now that you never ever really loved me
It hurts me now to think you never ever really cared
I sit and ask myself a thousand times to try and find
What really happened to the love that we shared
How could I be such a fool
How could I believe all those lies you told me
How could I be taken in by your sweet face
You spoiled our love, you ruined my life
I'm so tore down, I'm a terrible disgrace
But there will come a time and you'll regret the way
You treated me as if I was a fool and didn't know
The many times you lied about your love for me
Someone else is gonna know that your love was just a show...
How could I be such a fool?
Frank Zappa.
Inertia is an interesting word.
For one to use the excuse of inertia, in not leaving a relationship, giving the appearance that love is present, to find out that it hasn't been (how could it be with the behaviors exhibited now), instead wasting so many years of another by allowing them to think that they had a loving partner by their side, is so very selfish.
Every happiness in the world belonged to me
Then our love was lost and you went away
Now I shed my tears in lonely misery
I know now that you never ever really loved me
It hurts me now to think you never ever really cared
I sit and ask myself a thousand times to try and find
What really happened to the love that we shared
How could I be such a fool
How could I believe all those lies you told me
How could I be taken in by your sweet face
You spoiled our love, you ruined my life
I'm so tore down, I'm a terrible disgrace
But there will come a time and you'll regret the way
You treated me as if I was a fool and didn't know
The many times you lied about your love for me
Someone else is gonna know that your love was just a show...
How could I be such a fool?
Frank Zappa.
Inertia is an interesting word.
For one to use the excuse of inertia, in not leaving a relationship, giving the appearance that love is present, to find out that it hasn't been (how could it be with the behaviors exhibited now), instead wasting so many years of another by allowing them to think that they had a loving partner by their side, is so very selfish.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
