While I can appreciate the value for our children for my 'soon to be ex' husband and I to remain civil to each other while getting our divorce and further down the road as well, this is much more difficult than I thought.
I recently attended a memorial service of a friend that both of us were at. I thought I would be okay if he didn't bring his girlfriend, but that wasn't enough. I felt extremely uncomfortable, to the point of my stomach churning at times.
He tells me of how he'd like for us to "all be friends", this is very insane to me, he's the one with the relationship with her, not me. I don't want her shoved in my face at all, nor in my life. I'm also finding now that I don't want to be around him either. I don't know honestly how I will feel as time goes on, but for now it's very painful for me.
Also I don't I want our friends to see us in the same room together, as it may look as though I approve of what he's doing, that I'm "okay" with it, and that can't be farther from the truth here. No he needs to pay emotionally for his actions, he screwed up and hurt me very deeply, and to act as though everything is okay is too much bullshit for me.
I hate him for what he's done to me (the affair), for what he's taken from me (all of my years wasted with him), for all of the deceitfulness (all the lies, groping and more to other women throughout our marriage), for alot of our friends knowing about his indescretions and never telling me (OMG), and now I'm supposed to make nice now as though none of this ever happened. Or worse yet be accepting of it.
Well I am holding on to get through this divorce, and will try to "get along" for the sake of our children, but I'm done. No more of his shit.
I just hope that in the future when our kids have social things like marriage and grandkids that may enter into the picture, I will be able to work out some type of situation that I can see the kids or whatever and not have to deal with him.
The next social event that will be coming up is my daughters graduation. I am so very proud of her, and have already apologized to her about how I feel and will act during her graduation. I feel bad that I'm creating stress for her, and I will look at ways to reduce this if something more civil can be worked out. I told her that I will go to the graduation, and will throw her the biggest graduation party to celebrate all of her successes. Her father at this point will not be invited to my party that I'm throwing for her, he can have a party on his own. I will endure our having to be together for the graduation ceremony, but not the celebration. Who knows if he'll still even be with his new girlfriend, he may even have a newer one, I certainly don't care.
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4 comments:
blogadoodle said...
hi, having just recently found out that my husband of almost 25 years was having an affair, my heart died. So I looked for blogs of similar issues and found yours. While there are many differences in our situations, I feel that we are experiencing the same pain of loss. I started a blog to put my thoughts down and to help me through this. Please excuse my fowl language as I find it being such a release.
Our kids are grown and have been gone for several years. You said that you didn't have any. Don't let this hurt you, as I don't think it's important that a person leaves something on this earth, I think it's more important how you touch each others lives and make a difference in that regard. I hope that you find your true direction, and find happiness again.
I never thought this would happen to me, and only a few weeks before our 25th anniversary.
I am feeling so very alone, as even though friends have come to me and told me if I need anything.... but they are friends to both of us and I don't feel right sharing my side of things with them. This is why I've been blogging to strangers to talk with about my situation. I keep telling myself that I'm a strong person, but it's so very hard when I've come to rely and depend on my husband for so many things over all the years. Good luck to you, and wish me luck as well, Jan
10:20 AM
Thank you for sending this to me.Your kind words mean more than you know. I have been away for awhile, and the new blog is An American Journal 2 since I could seem to redeem the old one. I saved a copy to myself of the original which allowed me keep the stories.
Thank you again.
I do wish you luck indeed Jan as you make your progress. It looks like you are making your way.
Sometimes it is easier talking to a stranger. I wish I had seen your words on many a night when I could have used them. I am seeing them today, and need them just as much.
You are a strong person, and the pain does become less painful as time goes by.
You deserve the best in life, and getting it, is perhaps the best revenge that you can have!
Take care and may God bless you always.
Hi back ;)
thanks so much for your comments. Yes I am healing, but still have some pretty significant scars that hopefully will heal as time go by.
My ex has since gone through several relationships, all soulmates gone bad.
I haven't elected or been able to connect with anyone, as I don't trust my instincts having been so wrong with judging my ex. Folks tell me that I have to forgive him to move on, but can't do that as I'm still so angry with him.
At least I have the love of my grown children, and they don't want anything to do with their father since he screwed them over too, not just me. Sad as I would like to see my kids have a father figure, but he's more interested in having a soulmate.
I wish for you happiness as well. Sounds like he's been using and abusing you for years, sorry to hear that.
My ex hurt me financially not just emotionally. It's easy for others to say not to allow him back into your life, but when you love someone and hope that he really means the apology and that he does in deed love you, it's hard to see the facts as they are presented to you. You said that he wants a baby? As though that would repair the damage of his behavior for him? Wow, hot and cold, then you'd be stuck as a single mom raising a child on your own. What a wonderful life that would be. Granted there are alot of single mom's out there, but it's not the ideal situation, with staying up all night with a crying or sick baby, or dealing with the troubles they get into over the years. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, but I don't think I could have raised them on my own. Nor would I want to feel I'd have to stay in a bad relationship for them either.
I am working on trying to process this hatred that I have so I can move on, as you can see I still have alot of issues I need to work through.
Good luck to you, I would stay away from someone who can lie again to you his undying love and to please forgive him and want to have a baby, then the next day pull the same crap? You seem much smarter than that to hook back up with this loser. He seems to throw these words of love around like common phrases, he doesn't seem to really mean any of it.
Everything takes time that's for sure. I am not sure everyone understands the damage that's done when men do these things to us.
You said," I haven't elected or been able to connect with anyone, as I don't trust my instincts having been so wrong with judging my ex. Folks tell me that I have to forgive him to move on, but can't do that as I'm still so angry with him."
I understand that more than you can imagine. When your trust has been destroyed it makes you 2nd judge everything you do. It makes you question your thoughts and opinions even when you know better.
Some people need more time than others. Perhaps you will never trust any one man that way you trusted him and that's okay. There is always that hope that someday we will find someone again and love on our terms, not theirs.
I would have loved to have had a child, but a baby with him would be such a terrible ordeal for the child. I would have to keep the child away from him for one, he is just too abusive.
I have three animal babies and the truth is that they are such a source of joy in my life. I am probably going to adopt two more in the next year, as my oldest cat may not be around a lot longer and I would like the youngest one not to be so lonely when the time comes. My dog is lonely and wants someone to play and run with, so the plan is to get her a friend as well. There are so many shelter animals that need good homes, and I have such a big heart for them.
Unfortunately I am stuck with him for a bit longer, but hoping he will be out of the house once and for by the 1st of 2010. It's a long story how we got stuck with him again, but until we have the money to evict him formally we are stuck with him a bit longer. Once we have him evicted he cannot ever come back, and I am so looking forward to that day.
I still love him, but no longer "in love" with this man. I have no desire to be the wife he wants, nor do I want to. He wants a slave, someone to do whatever he wants, and that's just not me.
I believe that he doesn't really love anyone truly, that it's all superficial to get what he wants. If he gets crossed in any way he becomes the most awful monster possible.
Your children are a wonderful part of you life and you are a great Mom. Your children are the best part that remains of the life that you and your ex-husband had.
I don't know how he can search for "multiple soul mates". I don't think that they exist to be honest, but I could be wrong. A "Soul Mate" is something really special that occurs between people not time after time. One day he'll realize what a bone head he's been for choosing "them" over his children.
You take all the time you need. You are a bright woman, and when your find the right person again, I believe that you'll you know it and be ready for them by that time.
May God bless you always.
Jackie
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