Relationships Gone Bad

While I can appreciate the value for our children for my 'soon to be ex' husband and I to remain civil to each other while getting our divorce and further down the road as well, this is much more difficult than I thought.
I recently attended a memorial service of a friend that both of us were at. I thought I would be okay if he didn't bring his girlfriend, but that wasn't enough. I felt extremely uncomfortable, to the point of my stomach churning at times.
He tells me of how he'd like for us to "all be friends", this is very insane to me, he's the one with the relationship with her, not me. I don't want her shoved in my face at all, nor in my life. I'm also finding now that I don't want to be around him either. I don't know honestly how I will feel as time goes on, but for now it's very painful for me.
Also I don't I want our friends to see us in the same room together, as it may look as though I approve of what he's doing, that I'm "okay" with it, and that can't be farther from the truth here. No he needs to pay emotionally for his actions, he screwed up and hurt me very deeply, and to act as though everything is okay is too much bullshit for me.
I hate him for what he's done to me (the affair), for what he's taken from me (all of my years wasted with him), for all of the deceitfulness (all the lies, groping and more to other women throughout our marriage), for alot of our friends knowing about his indescretions and never telling me (OMG), and now I'm supposed to make nice now as though none of this ever happened. Or worse yet be accepting of it.
Well I am holding on to get through this divorce, and will try to "get along" for the sake of our children, but I'm done. No more of his shit.
I just hope that in the future when our kids have social things like marriage and grandkids that may enter into the picture, I will be able to work out some type of situation that I can see the kids or whatever and not have to deal with him.
The next social event that will be coming up is my daughters graduation. I am so very proud of her, and have already apologized to her about how I feel and will act during her graduation. I feel bad that I'm creating stress for her, and I will look at ways to reduce this if something more civil can be worked out. I told her that I will go to the graduation, and will throw her the biggest graduation party to celebrate all of her successes. Her father at this point will not be invited to my party that I'm throwing for her, he can have a party on his own. I will endure our having to be together for the graduation ceremony, but not the celebration. Who knows if he'll still even be with his new girlfriend, he may even have a newer one, I certainly don't care.

Preparations

Well, I'm feeling like I've gotten most everything pre done that I can think of. Laundry, grocery shopping (microwave easy stuff), and cleaned the house. I'll be having surgery tomorrow, and won't be able to lift, twist or do stairs for awhile. This frustrates me to no end, I'm sure I'll see stuff that I want to get done and won't be supposed to do it.
Even though I have alot of confidence in my surgeon (I scrubbed with her in surgery many times in the past and love her surgery ethic and how she remained calm in emergent situations). The odd sense of nervousness creeps into my heart and mind. While trying to tell myself everything will be alright, as I know it will be, this twitch keeps annoying me and putting stupid thoughts into my head. I will probably look back after my surgery and read this entry and feel pretty damn stupid.
With all that's going on in my life right now, I just don't want anything to happen to me until I know that the kids will be treated fairly. This is probably what is nagging at me, and so I should throw this feeling out the window, as my kids are the greatest and I shouldn't worry about them at all.

Making "Nice"

I have friends who have been remaining “friends” with both of us, so they've had to endure meeting the bitch too, sorry.
A girlfriend told me last night how the bitch told her to be “nice” to me, because I was “going through hard times”.
How dare she try to make herself seem or look compassionate, that’s so far from the truth, weaseling in acting like she’s a friend herself. Or worse yet that she is “healing” in any way, bullshit.
Such an unethical bitch un-fucking-believable. That’s probably how she thinks that her holistic healing is validated as well, bitch.
That my friend wouldn’t be “nice” to me in the first place. How dare she even enter into it as though she’s “healing”. Fuck her. Truth of the matter is that they know what a bitch she really is, they are only being “nice” to her.
Yes I’m angry, for her to mess with their minds pisses me off. She tries to make it look like she means so well, and feels sorry, well she is so full of shit.

Also, talking with yet another friend; here I spent alot of time carrying out all of his clothes taping the hangers together, putting his shoes, socks etc., into bags and putting them into the cars sitting outside the house, so he could pick up his stuff with the clothes being protected in the car if the weather turned bad. Well, his version is that I put the stuff outside in the yard. Makes me wonder what he's telling other folks about what's really going on here....

Veteran's Day

I just finished watching the celebration at Arlington Cemetery with Vice President Cheney. It really stirs up many emotions, how much I truly love our country, and what we stand for and defend.Thank you to all of our veterans.In our neck of the woods, we have a small group that frequently gathers items to send over to Iraq and Afghanistan to support our troops. Now we're collecting for Christmas, so as to give those a sense of home while away fighting for our freedom. Knowing that all over our country these small groups are organizing and sending out items to help, does my heart good. It's as though we're "mom's" to all of our son's and daughter's, and are so very proud of them all.I'm planning on going down the hill to Denver to go to Ft. Logan cemetery, where Danny Deitz and others are buried. It is so important to honor our dead, and show appreciation for their ultimate sacrifice. At a local establishment here, "The Bucksnort Saloon", there's a plaque that tells of a Navy SEAL's reunion that occurred here. Dunno if it's real, but it brings joy to think that this place was once occupied by hero's. Because of this, I also plan to enjoy a tall one for all of our servicemen and women at the end of the day.
Thanks to my son and to my dad and to my friend Jerry for serving in the military, protecting our freedoms.